Friday, April 1, 2005
Legislators in Kansas decided to kick queers while they’re down this week. Conservatives and religious leaders proposed an addition to the gay marriage ban, on which the public will vote Tuesday.
“Because our conservative religious stronghold will be at the polls anyway, we may as well try to wipe out the gay population altogether,” said Sen. Phil Journey, (R-Haysville).
Wednesday, Journey, along with other conservatives and religious leaders, said that a ban on gay marriage was not enough. He proposed a six-step plan to eliminate homosexuals called the Gays Go to Straight Camp Act. A Citadel-trained task force would round up all gays and lesbians in Kansas and take them to a camp where they could be “corrected,” Journey said. For now the plan focuses on gay men.
“My plan would not only eliminate the gay population, but also help the economy by creating thousands of jobs,” Journey said.
For homosexuals to be released back into society, they will have to pass six rigorous tests including fashion, hunting, fishing, beer-guzzling, baseball and scratching/crotch adjustments. Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton would be stripped from all gay men’s closets, Journey said.
Each male camper would wear a uniform composed of an adjustable baseball cap, a NASCAR tank top, dark blue sweat pants and hiking boots. Flannel button-downs would be distributed during cold weather.
“We have to get them used to dressing normal,” said the Rev. Jerry Johnston, pastor of First Family Church in Overland Park.
The Reverend proposed setting aside a wildlife reserve for the hunting segment. Even if bucks are not in season, their deaths will serve the greater cause, he said.
“God wanted man to be master over animals didn’t he?” Johnston said. “I think our Savior would agree that this is a worthy cause.”
The reserve would also be used for fishing. The homosexuals will have to catch and clean a bass no shorter than 28 inches. Proponents agree that beer-guzzling is a valuable part of both hunting and fishing. Baseball, the next test, is considered one of most important.
“It’s called America’s pasttime for a reason,” Journey said, “We’ll juice them up with ’roids if we have to, as long as they can hit a freaking baseball when they leave.”
While the topic of baseball was on the floor, several sports fans brought up the importance of butt-scratching and adjusting oneself, so the Legislature considered adding a clause to include those behaviors.
Liberals led by Rep. Paul Davis (D-Lawrence) called the plan ludicrous.
“We’re setting America back another 50 years,” Davis said. “Doesn’t the Bible say that God loves all people?”
Conservatives said because they had the majority, they did not expect to have difficulty passing the amendment.
“Liberals threatened to move to Canada when Bush was re-elected,” Journey said. “In time they will conform.”
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