Family gives daughter Allen Fieldhouse as gift

By Owen Morris

Friday, April 1, 2005

The Board of Regents approved a proposal five to one to sell the naming rights of Allen Fieldhouse for $12 million to the Laurie Family of Columbia, Mo. For the second time, the Lauries have decided to name a venue after their daughter Paige. Allen Fieldhouse will now be called “Paige’s Fieldhouse.”

“This is a wonderful day that will hopefully vindicate our daughter from all the trauma she has gone through,” Bill Laurie said at a press conference in the fieldhouse yesterday. He added, “Paige, Paige honey, do you want anything else? How about a jet, sweetie?”

The Laurie family originally named the new arena at the University of Missouri after their daughter, Paige Sports Arena. But when it was discovered she’d cheated while attending University of Southern California, they gave the naming rights back to Missouri, who changed the arena to Wal-Mart Cheater Arena.

The Lauries though were not too happy with the name change. So, they decided to contact other Big 12 Conference universities to see if they could buy the naming rights to their arenas. The only other university to respond was Baylor, who wanted $15.50 for the naming rights to their arena. The Lauries picked that one up too. Paige has suggested “The OC Arena.”

“It’s the beginning of a new era,” Chancellor Robert Hemenway said. “No longer do we have to keep living in the past at KU by naming all these buildings after old fogies. Instead we have a new future! One that is $12 million richer.”

“I guess it’s sort of cool to have buildings named after me,” Paige said, while tanning at the Palm Beach Country Club. “Though I would have liked an island better. Where is KU anyways? St. Louis? Are they the Wildcats?”

Many students were noticeably upset after hearing the news.

“I don’t care that they rename the building for cash,” Lukas Philips, Bumblepatch senior, said. “But to name it after a family from Missouri, that’s unacceptable. Next thing you know, they’re going to start recruiting players from prison like Missouri.”

Hemenway and Bill Laurie were unphased by the disgust and anger that their announcement created.

“Mr. Laurie is one of the rich ... I mean, nicest men in the world,” Hemenway said. “He’s all right in my book and Paige is such a nice girl. I’m sure she’ll never do anything bad again.”

The University of Southern California had threatened to take away Paige’s degree once it was discovered that she’d cheated and had never actually attended classes at Southern California, or been in southern California. It recanted when Bill Laurie threatened to buy the university and turn it into a Wal-Mart.

— Edited by Nikola Rowe

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