I will never forget the first time I met the parents of a former boyfriend. It was our first date and I begged him to ask his parents if we could take their nearly new Mustang on the date. They agreed as long as we stayed on paved roads. We agreed. We ended up going to talk at a spot overlooking the river. Unfortunately, we had to take a gravel road to get there. I remember it so clearly. It was like a tunnel, flanked on either side with high, grassy mounds and trees.

He drove so slowly, worried about any rock that might shoot up and hit the car. All of a sudden, a deer came bounding over the hill from the right and smashed right into the front of the car. In order to avoid trouble we invented a story about how the deer had actually ran out when we were on a normal road, not a gravel one. When we returned the car, we retold the fictitious story to his parents. I don’t think I made a great impression on them. That night I learned that lying is never a good thing to do when you meet someone’s parents. The lie was always looming over us and I never felt comfortable around them.

It’s a safe bet that if you haven’t already, you will someday be invited to meet your significant others’ parents. Whether the experience will be good or bad is mostly up to the personalities and expectations of the parents. But doing a few things to improve the situation can stifle a fear of rejection.

When preparing to meet parents, the first thing you and your boyfriend or girlfriend should do is to talk about them, says Karen Sexton, a clinical social worker in Topeka. Get background information on what kind of people they are. If there are potential problems, be prepared for criticism of your beliefs.

Sexton says that to deal with criticism, you must first try to understand the parents’ point of view. Then, acknowledge either to yourself or to the parent that you understand where the parent is coming from, even if you don’t agree. Finally, you must try to find some common ground. “They will always have different viewpoints, but you don’t always have to talk about them,” Sexton says. “You have to remember you do have one thing in common and that’s your love for their son or daughter.”

Next, it can be a good idea to bring a gift. Even in the movie Meet the Parents,

Greg Focker’s gift of a rare flower bulb seemed like a good idea. He tried to impress his girlfriend’s father with a specific gift. He couldn’t help that his girlfriend’s dad was actually a member of the CIA and not in the rare flower business. To avoid a similar situation, Sexton says to bring something impersonal, such as flowers, or offer to bring food for dinner.

The clothes you wear can also make a big impression on parents—good or bad. Sexton says she was reading Bill Clinton’s biography and found that when Hillary met Bill’s parents, she was wearing cutoffs, and it didn’t impress Bill’s very traditional mother. As a mother, Sexton says that as long as the clothes don’t have holes in inappropriate places, she’s fine.

While your attire can be easily controlled, the topic of conversation may not. When first trying to develop dialogue, Sexton suggests asking parents about their jobs, interests, etc. because they like to talk about themselves. She says when she met her children’s significant others and they asked to see their baby photos, they won her heart instantly. Complimenting is also a good tactic, especially about the parent’s cooking or about your significant other. “All parents want to think the best of their children,” Sexton says. She says you should avoid saying anything negative about your partner.

Topics of discussion to avoid would be deep topics that convey emotions. Talking about politics or religion can get someone into hot water, Sexton says. She also says to be aware of cultural differences, even subtle ones such as the differences between someone from Georgia and someone from California. Any traditions or expectations should be discussed with your partner beforehand, she says.

Sometimes there are just parents who think that no one is good enough for their children. If you run into this kind of parents, Sexton says it’s a good idea to keep reminding yourself of your own good qualities. You should have it clear in your mind that it doesn’t matter what others think of you. “Remember, your significant other thought enough of you to introduce you,” she says. “It is an honor that you are worthy of.”

Parents don’t always have the upper hand, either. Sexton says her grandfather used to hide from all of his daughter’s suitors. When her father caught her grandfather painting on the porch, her grandfather was forced to meet him, even though he was scared to death. “It’s important to remember that most times parents are just as scared and worried as you are,” Sexton says.

Recently I saw my old boyfriend on TLC’s A Makeover Story. He was proposing to his girlfriend. Seven years have passed since our car fiasco, but seeing him brought back the vivid memories of the lie we once told. I think it still haunts me and I often wish I wouldn’t have done it. “It’s much better to be honest,” Sexton says. “Lies have a way of coming up and biting you in the butt.”

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eshipps@kansan.com