To: Josh Steward, chairman of the KU College Republicans

Re: Conservatives + economy = better

Dear Josh,

While scanning the Web site of your wonderful organization, I noticed the following entry: “This weeks’ (sic) letter to the editor assignment is why conservatives are better for the economy.” Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity to complete this assignment. Conservatives are better for the economy in so many ways.

But before I get into the myriad reasons why this is true, allow me first to say what an incredibly handsome young man you are. That mug shot you have posted at www.ku.edu/~kucr/ had me blushing. You are princely, sir. Sheer royalty.

Now, back to my assignment: Why are conservatives better for the economy?

Reason #1

Conservatives support deregulation. This leaves corporations answerable to no one, allowing them to maximize profits. Thanks to deregulation, Nike CEO Phil Knight can take full advantage of Vietnam’s child labor force. According to The Wall Street Journal, Knight’s pint-sized shoemakers are victims of sexual and physical abuse, low wages and exorbitant quotas. It’s like we’re fighting the Vietnam War all over again! Other perks include: Nike gets a profit, Americans get $150 shoes and the economy thrives.

Reason #2

Conservatives oppose labor movements. By beating back pro-labor policies, conservatives can ensure the minimum wage will forever remain at $5.15 an hour. A disproportionate number of minorities would benefit from a wage increase. The Economic Policy Institute found that the wage increase in 1997 resulted in the lowest unemployment and poverty rates in decades. To maintain white primacy in the 21st Century, corporate handouts and labor suppression must continue. Better to leave the workers in a race to the bottom than succumb to socialist giveaways.

Reason #3

Conservatives believe in global free markets. With free markets, multinational companies can gobble up resources and profits throughout the world. This upsets people and guarantees the United States will stay in a perpetual state of war. War is great for the economy! Companies such as Bechtel, Halliburton and Lockheed Martin made billions of dollars in war profits last year. Investors, primarily the top 1 percent of the country that owns 50 percent of the stock market, cleaned up and hired contractors to build more mansions, which grew the economy even more.

Reason #4

Conservatives love freedom. This includes the freedom to prop up compliant military dictators, the freedom to crush populist movements and the freedom to build weapons of mass destruction. These freedoms serve to expand the American empire, which serves to redistribute money to wealthy Americans, who’ve always served as a benevolent force in our economy. As they say, “Freedom ain’t free.” All must be sacrificed for the almighty dollar, per George Orwell’s thesis: “If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.”

Reason #5

Conservatives hate taxes. Lower taxes mean less money for government spending on health, education and daycare — all the safety nets. Because we’re paying them only $5.15 an hour, and because we’re taking away the safety nets, workers have no choice but to give up public services to private investors in a last-ditch effort to save their children and elderly parents from certain death. It’s a brilliant plan. The money flows into the private sector and Wall Street explodes.

I’d continue my little ruse, Josh, but I’m afraid of breathing fire through my mouth. Honestly, this is moderate rhetoric compared to real Republicans, who refer to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez as a “Marxist thug” because he won’t hand over his economy to American corporations. Take a stroll through the streets of Harlem or take a boat ride up the Saigon River. You might see that the economic policies of America in general and your party in particular threaten to stamp out the light of the world.

Kisses,

Stephen

Shupe is an Augusta graduate student in journalism.