Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Every Monday night Hank Williams, Jr. asks, “Are you ready for some football?” to which I repeatedly respond, “No, I am completely unprepared for some football.”
The reason for my hesitation is the eight-year absence of Frank Gifford from the Monday Night Football commentating team.
Ever since Mr. Gifford left the group in 1997, I have spent every Monday night lighting a small candle in the window of my house, listening to Aretha Franklin’s “Say a Little Prayer For You.”
You see, Monday Night Football just isn’t Monday Night Football without Frank.
Oh sure, there’s been others. They have Al. They even had Dan for a bit. But who are they really? Especially Dan. Dan’s crap.
Folks: Frank was, and is, simply the best.
In order for me to fully illustrate the intricacies of my man-crush for Frank Gifford, you need a little background.
Frank Newton Gifford was born in Santa Monica, Calif. He was a simple, precocious child, who later made his high school football team.
He earned All-American honors while attending the University of Southern California and eventually turned pro for the New York Giants.
Yet despite all of his professional success, he had not yet fulfilled his lifelong dream: to commentate.
I mean, sure, making a great tackle or running 90 yards for a touchdown to the delight of 50,000 screaming fans is one thing. But excitedly describing it to other people during a televised broadcast? That’s where the action is at.
Frank spent 26 years with the Monday Night team until he retired in 1997.
Nowadays, Frank probably doesn’t do anything but mope around the house and perform his duties as Kathy Lee Gifford’s elderly man-servant.
Well, I’ve got two words for you Frank: come back.
You shouldn’t be a man-slave. We miss you. We miss your witty insights and post game wrap-ups. How can we go on without your football expertise?
We want to build a rapport with you. Who cares about the other guys? Who cares whether the game of football is even being played while you speak? Broadcast from a pitch dark room if you want. Just let us hear your voice.
Please Frank! Please! For the sake of us all! But mostly mine.
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