Congratulations, freshmen! You’ve entered college, a journey that you will foggily remember as the best years of your life. Becoming a member of the student body at a major university brings many new responsibilities and unique privileges. Because responsibility will crush your youthful enthusiasm soon enough, let’s focus on the privileges.

For those who haven’t yet discovered this technological marvel, www.facebook.com is the online popularity contest that has taken all the fun, awkwardness, and actual human contact out of meeting new people. For the simple price of your college e-mail address, and your anonymity, you can become a member of this ever-growing online community. Every new profile holds the promise of entertainment, disdain, anger, sadness, delight and ultimately, the savage satisfaction of judging others.

Properly crafting your profile is of the utmost importance. The information you reveal will be the first impression you give to thousands of people who you’ll probably never meet. Think of your profile as a first date, where you only have to reveal the good things about yourself. As an admitted and self-loathing facebook junkie, I can provide a veteran’s insight into creating the best profile possible.

Unfortunately, like real life, your picture is what will determine whether people venture on to see what’s down below. It’s important to put your best face forward. Girls, browse through the hundreds of identical photos of you and your smiling friends huddled around a table, and find the one that you look best in. Crop out your better-looking friends, and don’t be scared to show a little cleavage. Guys, your pictures should make it apparent that you like to drink and or that you work out on a regular basis, and don’t be scared to show a little cleavage.

The meat and potatoes of your profile will fall under the personal info section. When forming facebook friendships, the interests you reveal are all that a potential friend has to judge you by.

Under interests, keep it simple and vague. Be sure to list “Hanging out with Friends,” or “Partying.” This will set you apart from those people that don’t like their friends or having a good time. Other good options are “Sleeping,” “Drinking,” or “Shopping,” as there are few people with these interests, and you’ll definitely stand out in the crowd.

Under movies, putting “The Notebook” or “Napoleon Dynamite” will ensure that you share an interest with at least 100 million other profiles.

Don’t worry too much about listing books; a simple “Who reads?” or “Yeah right” will say far more about you than any list of nerdy books. Also, this lets people know when to stop reading and move on to the next profile.

Under quotes, be sure to have at least one inspirational quote, one inside joke from your drunken friend, and any quote from Napoleon Dynamite. Seriously, that movie never gets old.

Join groups at your own discretion, but remember, you’ll probably never check these again. And if you join the “I’d so have sex in the library” club, you’d better mean it. Nobody likes a tease.The “About Me” section is only there in case there’s anything about your personality that can’t be easily determined by your superficial interests in various forms of entertainment. Most of you will leave this blank.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully created your facebook profile, now it’s time to explore what this online social network has to offer — this will be pages upon pages of profiles similar to that described above. But eventually, you will find that unique profile that will make you sick with longing, wondering how you’re supposed to meet that digital angel that matches up perfectly with your interests, who looks gorgeous in his or her carefully selected photo, whose quotes and wall provide a glance at an irresistible humor and wit that could only be ruined by reality.

Perusing www.thefacebook.com is no more stalking than looking through the classified ads for job openings. A person only displays what they want others to know about them, so you shouldn’t feel ashamed for taking a look at what they have to offer. Be liberal with your pokes and messaging, because an active online community is a healthy online community. Remember, a stranger is just a friend that you haven’t “facebooked” yet.