Columnist’s Note: Hump Day is the most important collaboration of words since the Constitution. Every two weeks, I will tackle a subject with the intent to provide advice for all students seeking help with relationships and doing the nasty.

A troubled freshman girl came to me last weekend with a problem. She asked to remain anonymous.

For this column we will refer to her as “Bemily.” Bemily asked, “Eric, I have a boyfriend back home. We don’t go to the same school now, what should I do?”

I will tell you what I told her: Give him the ol’ heave-ho. Any freshman girl, or any girl for that matter, who has a boyfriend more than 10 miles away, needs to cut the anchor and start partaking in a little thing we call college.

There are many good reasons to leave hometown Harry. I will tell you two.

First of all, he’s cheating on you.

The odds that your high school sweetie is sitting on his couch, staring forward, thinking only of you are about as rare as finding Courtney Love out of rehab.

The fact is, while you are playing little Miss Faithful, he’s out getting busy with some random girl who he will regret when he wakes up with a burning sensation in the worst possible place.

Then, while you are showing your roommates your prom pictures or your hepatitis results, he’s telling his boys how he was doing the no-pants dance with Swamp Thing’s ugly sister.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, ladies. You just need to face reality. This is not high school anymore.

Your boyfriend is not going to open your locker or write you sappy little notes. He does not have to leave your house by midnight. He can stay drunker than Nick Nolte at a German beer festival until he goes home for Thanksgiving.

And you know alcohol is not going to tell him to leave the Brazilian twins alone.

What happens when you see him again?

It plays out like this. You will go out to dinner. Then you will probably pick up the check, because he lost all his money in a “peeing-for-distance” competition. Then you hook up.

Great, now you have crabs, too! See what happens when you come to college with a boyfriend? You end up with an itchy case of V.D.

Another reason you need to lose the guy back home is simple. You can’t tell me there isn’t at least one guy on campus you wouldn’t strip all your clothes and inhibitions for.

There are literally thousands of eligible bachelors at the University of Kansas waiting for you to become available. Ladies, you need to embrace this, and them, in a night of kinky, roommate-waking sex.

To prove your hometown boyfriend is not the one, I have a test for you. Walk up to the guy in class, across the hall, or whomever you have been eyeing. Go right up to him, look him in the eye and say, “I only want to have sex with my boyfriend for the rest of my life.” I guarantee you can’t do it.

To Bemily, and all the other girls with long-distance relationships: Don’t risk getting crabs. Break up with your hometown boyfriend.

Eric Jorgensen is a Baldwin City junior in journalism.