Photo Illustration by Ginny Weatherman

In collaboration with the government’s Office of National Drug Control Policy, Pfizer announced the launch of Viabrex, touted as the first ‘anti-drug’ drug.

Robert Cox, Pfizer spokesman said the drug would be prescribed to curb marijuana cravings. “The ONDCP approached us, realizing that we both had a common foe,” Cox said. “F-ing potheads. The government hates ‘em; We hate ‘em. Every bong blow is money out of our pockets. And if we can get parents and doctors to push Viabrex on them, we’ll make a killing and marijuana will disappear.”

The ONDCP might best be known for its National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign commercials. Titles include: “Why’d you steal from Grandma?” “Oops, you killed an old guy” and “You let Janie drown.”

The drug came to fruition after extensive testing and research showed that administering a combination of Pfizer drugs caused marijuana-addicted teens to lose their urge to smoke. After being prodded by the ONDCP, Pfizer scientists added chemicals that intentionally cause patient paranoia of the elderly.

“We’ve had incredible success with Viagra, but also serious setbacks with Celebrex,” Cox said. “We needed a hot new drug, something sexy. By mixing the two drugs, we created Viabrex.”

Like most prescription drugs, Viabrex has side effects, which include leaking, bleeding and mild erections in male patients.

Kip Horsely, Viabrex trial patient and ex-marijuana smoker, has taken the drug for two years now. “I don’t know man, I liked smoking weed,” Horsely said. “It took the edge off. Now I’m scared to visit Nana’s house and I’m constantly trying to hide my boner.”