Weeks after returning from Winter Break, Gamma Gamma Gamma sorority members remain “totally shocked” about Rachel LaGrosse’s, Chicago junior’s, recent, explosive weight gain. “She was kinda big before, but I mean, now she’s like HUGE,” a concerned Liz Tanner, Olathe senior, said. “Have you seen her thighs?”

Guesstimates on LaGrosse’s plumping range from “at least 15 pounds” to “like a gajillion.” Becky Bichalot, sorority treasurer asked, “What did she get for Christmas? Gift certificates for fried chicken and pie?” The pork-up comes at an inopportune time for the sorority, which hosts the popular spring charity car wash “Tits for Tots” to raise money for local children’s hospitals.