I was in my worst version of hell. It consisted of me being stuck in a hotel room with four other gay men, having to listen to them talk about musical theater. For two hours. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care about the musical “Camelot” or what role anyone is suited to play in it.

Fortunately, I was drunk, or I would have tried to drown myself in the toilet. Now you may be wondering how I got myself into this position. It was one part liquor and one part curiosity. And I was at a theater conference, so you’re bound to hear someone sing a bar of “Rent” — it’s inevitable.

But in this instance, I was invited by a 28-year-old faculty adviser — from another school, mind you — and I was interested in him. That was until I heard 20 minutes of blathering about how resonance comes off the soft palate.

There was also something else that bothered me about the situation. We all knew why we were there. We wanted to hook up. This garbage was keeping us occupied until we were all sufficiently intoxicated so we wouldn’t feel self-conscious about our clumsy advances.

After already having had consumed the two-drink minimum, I was sick of wading through the crap and did what any self-respecting person would do. I pulled the guy sitting next to me into the bathroom, and we made out.

This encounter got me thinking. What’s up with us? I mean “us” in the global sense. Everyone in the room knew what the others wanted. We wanted to get off, to have fun, to not worry about the night.

Why are we so scared that we can’t even say, “Hey, take off your pants” without knocking a few back? I think most would respond with “It would be awkward” or “I don’t know how to do that.” I wonder if it’s deeper than that.

We don’t have a vocabulary to hook up with. At least not any effective one I’ve seen. Yeah, you can say “No strings attached,” but what does that really mean? There’s no nice way to say “Hey, I wanna screw and then never have to deal with you ever again.”

Which brings me to my other point: I think we need the drinks because we want to be thought of as nice in these booty calls. If you’re drunk and things are weird in the morning, you can blame the booze. We all have a scapegoat, something to take the responsibility for our indiscretions.

So here’s my suggestion from here on out: Be truthful.

I know, I know. It sounds way too simple. Instead of whispering alcoholic lies in someone’s ears, why not just be upfront. Just say “I want to have fun tonight and not worry about it. Let’s go.” If they get pissed and run off in a huff, well, they weren’t worth it. Why bother getting ourselves messily entangled with someone we don’t really like? Just do yourself a favor, suck it up and say what you want. I guarantee it will be so much easier down the road.