Ginny Weatherman

Marc Thompson, Dodge City sophomore, feverishly plays with his joystick. He does it many times a day.

Satire: Every year Marc Thompson tries to be a good Catholic by giving something up for Lent. And for the fourth year in a row, he’s decided that it should be his virginity.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Thompson told his buddies while playing Halo 2. “I’m always hunting for beaver. Marc the Machine just tries a little harder during Lent, if you know what I mean!”

Thompson then searched unsuccessfully for someone to high-five. Thompson’s friends said that despite trying his best, he has never gotten close to losing his virginity or to actually dating a woman.

Tompson’s roommate, Dan Faulke, said, “Every night Marc comes in here and talks shit about how he’s going to get laid, and every night I come home and he’s here playing video games.” Faulke said, “One time a girl from across the hall came to borrow a DVD and I thought he was going to pass out he was so nervous. As soon as she left, he started talking about how smooth he’d played it and how he wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to get in his bed that night. She told her roommates he smelled like hotdogs.”

“Those guys, what jokers!” Thompson responded to his friend’s allegations. “They’re just jealous ‘cause they don’t have half the moves I do. I mean, they only see me as the guy who likes to play video games and look at Internet porn. But they don’t see the ladies I pick up online. Can they tell ladies that they’re a level 39 Ogre Shadow Knight on Everquest? Methinks not.”