A battle of wills

Sibling rivalry not just for kids

By By Erin Shipps (Contact)

Thursday, March 3, 2005

Until you are an only child you can probably remember a time in your life when tormenting your sibling was fun. Laura Koster, Great Bend freshman, remembers being the baby of the family until her little brother came along. One Christmas when Koster was 13 and her brother was five, the presents had all been opened and a big box sat empty in the middle of the room.

“I told my brother we were going to put him in the box and ship him to Africa, and he started crying,” Koster says.

Jessica Brack, Wichita sophomore is two years younger than her sister, and recalls many arguments and moments of rivalry from her childhood. A huge argument left unresolved when Brack was 10 and her sister 12, led to the two avoiding each other all day. Late in the evening, Brack thought the argument had been forgotten, but when she went to set her alarm clock for the next day, she was surprised to find the clock’s buttons covered in lotion in an act of revenge.

“I was furious and when I wiped the lotion off, I couldn't get all of it that had seeped into crevices between the buttons,” Brack says.

Brack says there is still slight evidence of the lotion pay-back on her alarm clock, even today. As fun as it is to reminisce about adolescent antics, the hair-pulling, tattling and sabotage of childhood doesn’t always stop when we grow up.

Unreconciled relationships among siblings can lead to more violent acts and even estrangement in adulthood. While most siblings mature over time and learn how to better communicate to resolve their problems, there are always a few that just cannot get along.

In childhood, sibling rivalry links to attention from parents and each child trying to get his or her emotional needs met. Some may feel that more attention is given to another sibling. While this is still an issue for adults in some cases, jealousy arises for different reasons later in life. Whether it’s who went to the better college, who got married first or who has the better job, as adults we still deal with issues of envy between those closest to us, according to Rosemary Tuggle, Director of Clinical Programs for the Family Service and Guidance Center in Topeka.

“Rivaling siblings behave more passive aggressively as adults, which looks like tattling or back stabbing,” says Tuggle.

These behaviors don’t appear suddenly in adulthood, however, they are rooted in years of misunderstandings, judgments, jealousy and assumptions about other people. A continuation of this attitude and unresolved conflicts can carry over into romantic and professional relationships, as well as health problems later in life.

“Overall ongoing anger and resentment can limit the support and richness that can be found in family life,” Tuggle says.

Forgiveness may be difficult in some situations, but it is one of the most powerful tools we possess. Sometimes it takes a mediator with a goal of finding common ground to start with a clean slate and move on. Tuggle says that each individual may need to forgive themselves for past deeds as well as each other. This process could involve the whole family confronting fighting siblings and helping them to work together.

Tuggle suggests regularly checking out assumptions with other people as their jealousy might be inaccurate. Trust is also a big part of any relationship, with clear and open communication.

“Friends can be good listeners, but should give honest feedback if desired, when asked,” Tuggle says.

Koster says her relationship with her brother is good now. They’re in different stages of life with different things going on. Once in a while though, she still thinks she should have been the baby.

eshipps@kansan.com

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