Hawktopics: April 6, 2006

By By Chris Raine, Dave Ruigh (Contact)

Thursday, April 6, 2006

1. 14 years after the original, Basic Instinct 2 arrives in theatres. Whereas Sharon Stone’s vagina was moderately alluring in the original, the eerie creaking noise that can be heard as she spreads her legs in the sequel was, to be honest, a real turn-off.

2. The 2006 Major League Baseball regular season begins. It’s only 2,006 days before the playoffs begin… and the Royals are already 15 games back.

3. Mumps spreads throughout Douglas County. Yeah, sure, the swelling in your jaw is from a highly contagious infection, not from last Saturday night’s questionable “activities.” You know who you are, and you know what you did.

4. Islamofascists in Baghdad release American journalist and hostage Jill Carroll. Expect a tell-all book in four to six weeks and a made-for-TV movie in the fall. Shameless opportunism will again have its day in the sun.

5. Mephistophelean lobbyist Jack Abramoff receives six-year jail sentence. Allegedly, Abramoff is already knee-deep in a cigarette cartel and soap-on-a-rope racketeering. The guy just doesn’t know when to quit.

6. Mexican-Americans and liberal sympathizers protest Congressional attempts to squelch illegal immigration. Meanwhile, college students vacationing in Cancun did their part for the cause by protesting modesty, sobriety and safe sex.

7. The Miss America Pagent spawns a reality TV show. The world will likely watch with rapt attention as Miss Arkansas tussles with Miss Idaho over the last packet of low-fat ranch dressing during the stunning climax of episode three — a series highlight.

8. President Bush appoints budget director Joshua Bolten new Chief of Staff, replacing Andrew H. Card Jr. So, now we have a Bolton in the U.N. and a Bolten in the White House. How long till Bush appoints fey songsmith Michael Bolton Secretary of Adult Contemporary Rock?

9. The Lawrence Journal-World reports that drought and fire may deter killer bees. Well, that’s good news. Your house may burn down and your crops may be destroyed, leaving your life in tatters …but at least you won’t be killed by angry bees.

10. A new study shows that prayer is an ineffective remedy for illness and, ironically, may make things worse. If the authors of “Hawk Topics” are diagnosed with cancer, whatever you do, please, don’t pray for us.

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Say you wanna revolution?

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Parched future of the plains

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Good Afternoon Mrs. E

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Love Bites

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Find a furry friend

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Housing counseling available to students

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Riddle Me This

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Brew: Chicago is the last great American ...

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Living in Remission

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STI cases in Kansas reach more than ...

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Long live the Shack

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Question & Answer

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Compton: The shrinking presidency

President Obama fails in keeping political promises.

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Marsaglia: Popular advertisements encourage mindless consumption

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Morning Brew: NBC fails to give gold ...

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Provost may leave University for Oregon

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