The next time you see a person walking backward on campus, take a good, long stare at him or her.

Unless it is just some random person walking backward (which is not out of the question on this campus) then it is most likely a KU Ambassador giving another fun- and fact-filled tour of our beautiful campus to some wide-eyed high school seniors and their parents.

In fact, chances are that many of you reading this right now went on one or more of these tours yourself before deciding to come to the University of Kansas. Carnegie Research, in a 2004 survey conducted for the University, found that campus tours were one of the most influential factors for incoming students. They ranked number one above athletics and everything else. It is scary to find out how much sway KU Ambassadors hold on incoming students, especially when you consider that KU Ambassadors will take just about anybody.

How do I know?

I used to be a KU Ambassador. That’s right. Once a week I would lead a pack of high school seniors and their folks around campus all the while telling these prospective students interesting tidbits about the University and how real college students lived.

Or at least that was the idea.

What really happened was that these young students (at least the ones on my tour) seemed to pay about as much attention to me as you would a hippie on Wescoe while their parents stared at me suspiciously, like I was an unsolicited door-to-door insurance salesman.

Meanwhile I smiled and attempted to answer the parents’ questions as truthfully as I could. Which usually wasn’t very truthfully at all. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t lie on purpose. I would just try to keep everything positive and G-rated, which sometimes meant avoiding parents’ questions all together. Exchanges during my tours would often sound something like this:

Concerned Parent: “Is drinking a big problem at KU?”

Me: “Right over there is an elm tree. We have over 17,000 trees on campus, including five gingko!”

Concerned Parent: “Why do you keep avoiding our questions?”

Me: “Stauffer-Flint has been hit by lightning more than seven times.”

Concerned Parent: “Let’s get out of here.”

Me: “Wait! Could I interest you in some life insurance?”

Of course I’m exaggerating. Stauffer-Flint has only been hit by lighting five times but still, you get an idea of how a typical tour might go for me. I was terrible at giving tours so I eventually quit. I should have never been a KU Ambassador in the first place.

The only reason I joined was out of spite. A fellow (whom I shall not name, except to say that he wears a kilt) in my old scholarship hall was bragging one day about being accepted to KU Ambassadors. While he made it sound like a big deal I said out loud that they would take anybody. So we made a bet: We would find the most shallow, drugged, unqualified person possible, a.k.a. me, and see if they would accept me.

So I went to the interview where I was grilled with tough questions like “Can you walk backwards?” and (no lie) “Do you have a pair of walking shoes?” I passed with flying colors, and in no time I was getting lost with packs of students in Strong Hall.

I was in the minority though. Most KU Ambassadors are hard-working students who really, really (read: scarily) care about the University. The problem is that if these tours are so influential all it takes is one bad apple for the University to lose a National Merit Scholar or an honors student.

The process involved to be a KU Ambassador should be much stricter and more rigid. I gave one tour with a fellow KU Ambassador who just happened to be in a sorority and who ­­— although the tour consisted of two men and one woman, who said she was indifferent to the greek system — just happened to mention her sorority and how you should join a sorority approximately 4,000 times. By the end of the tour I was convinced to join a sorority.

KU Ambassadors shouldn’t be a recruiting program for the greeks, and it shouldn’t accept people who join out of spite, like me. A way to fix this would be to start paying the KU Ambassadors who are currently volunteers. By paying Ambassadors, the University could make it a real job and therefore have much stricter rules.

Rules that include “no kilts.”