Ervin: I'm sorry, Mr. Coffee

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

An open letter to a coffee bean:

Lover,

I miss you. I know it has been a long time since I’ve seen you and I’m sorry that this is my first attempt to call or write. But let me explain myself. If you only knew the anguish and regret I felt on that awful day when I came home from spring break to find that my roommate had killed our dear friend, Mr. Coffee.

He was murdered. It was an awful sight. He looked so peaceful sitting on the counter, as if he were sleeping. And though we think his little electric heart tries to beat, he’s lost all higher-functioning percolation activity.

I’d make the drive to Target so I could see you again but University paychecks don’t come out until Friday and you know we’re in a pinch these days.

I miss your warmth when I embrace you with two cupped hands. And the way I can smell your perfume from across the room while you get ready.

nutgraf

I’d make the drive to Target so I could see you again but University paychecks don’t come out until Friday and you know we’re in a pinch these days.

I remember when we first met. I was shy and a little wary of some of the things I’d been told about you. That you were dangerous. Addictive. That you were the most abused drug on the planet; that’s a lot of baggage. But maybe it was the danger that intrigued me in the first place. And, Coffee, with me it’s not abuse. It’s love.

We’ve been through a lot together, my little brown bean. You’ve helped me with too many papers, finals and boring professors to count. You’re there for me in the rain, sleet and snow and are the perfect complement to a good book or good conversation.

You make me a better person. A more interesting person. A more lively person. You’re the hottest performance-enhancing drug that nobody’s testing for. I get a little twinkle in my eye when you’re around – maybe not in my teeth, but that’s what Crest Whitestrips are for.

And about that fight recently. I’d like to reiterate that the relationship between alcohol and me is strictly platonic. She’s a nice girl and is a lot of fun at parties, yes, but I don’t know what I was thinking that time I suggested the three of us should get together and make you “Irish.” Because Coffee, you’re the only psychoactive substance for me.

From here on out I’ll be the perfect gentleman. I’ll use a java jacket every time and you won’t even have to remind me with your scalding temper. I’ll take you out more in your travel mug. I know I shouldn’t take you for granted just because we’ve been together for so long.

But, baby, on Friday I’m getting paid. Keep your schedule open because I’m taking you out. I’ll spring for the name-brand paper filters, dim the lights and I’ll buy you a fancy new mug to dress up in. We can get a fine bottle of Evian for the coffee machine and see where the night takes us. See you then.

Love forever,

Brian

Ervin is a junior in theatre and film and psychology.

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