1. Authorities capture Shauntay Henderson, the lone woman on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list, in Kansas City. Her crime? She was one of the original producers of the runaway ABC hit Grey’s Anatomy. Sigh… someday, we’ll get all of those bastards.

2. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton sets a fundraising record by raising $26 million in the first quarter of 2007. In other news, the “Save the Children of Darfur” charity fundraiser, collecting funds to help the thousands of children threatened by the horrible genocide in Sudan, failed to meet its fundraising goal of $10,000 for yet another quarter.

3. Los Angeles prosecutors say they will ask a judge to revoke Paris Hilton’s probation in a reckless driving case, a move which could result in jail time for the heiress. And, just like that, the U.S. government discovers an ingenious new torture technique to be used in Guantanamo.

4. Has-been celebrity singer Marie Osmond announces that she is divorcing her husband of 20 years. Osmond reportedly wants more freedom to pursue her washed-up-celebrity-turned-reality-show-star career as she strives to become the next “Peter Brady.”

5. San Francisco city leaders approve a ban on plastic bags. As per the rules of the ban, the only legal use of a plastic bag is to wrap it over Paris Hilton’s head and hold it there until she stops moving.

6. The United States Post Office unveils new stamps that commemorate the Star Wars movies. If I ever get a letter with a JarJar Binks stamp on it, I’ll burn it. I swear to God, I’ll burn it.

7. A Maryland woman claims her dog performed the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life after she began choking on a piece of apple. According to the crazy woman, the dog then drove her to the hospital, filled out the necessary admittance forms and even wrangled with her insurance provider over language concerning her emergency-visits coverage.

8. The U.S. Marines ban large tattoos below the knee or elbow, saying that such large, visible tattoos do not represent the Marines’ traditional values. But of course, sending Marines on multiple tours of duty to a war with no end in sight is still well within the realm of the U.S. government’s traditional values.

9.Actress Halle Berry admits that she attempted suicide after her marriage with former baseball star David Justice fell apart. Uber-hottie Halle Berry almost killed herself over this douche lord? Where’s the Justice? No, seriously, what happened to that guy?

10. Country singer Wynonna Judd files for divorce from her estranged husband after he’s arrested on charges of sexual battery against a child under 13. Although in Kentucky, the technical term for “sexual battery against a child under 13” is “dating.”