Dear Free for All, tell Brandon Rush thanks for the shot.

I just sold my girlfriend for a Wii.

A Nintendo Wii.

Free for All, do you think Chuck Norris would date a girl who wore Uggs?

When did the Free for All start publishing statements left by complete idiots?

I just got a fortune cookie that says, “You are good with your hands.” OK, now I just think they are trying to be overtly sexual.

I don’t love Raymond.

I like Gwen Stefani’s music.

Free for All, I measured myself today. I hit eight inches!

My buddy Andrew told me butt sex is wild, and you can’t have a child.

Bullshit they call them rotaries. I’ve never heard rotary in my goddamned life. It’s roundabout, trust me.

What the hell is a rotary?

(Sung) Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, do do do!

(Sung) Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana!

(Sung) Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine.

Hey, you know Free for All, (sung) we don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time.

(Sung) Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan!

(Sung) Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada! That one sucked.

(Sung) New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio!

I don’t remember the rest of the states, so we’ll just go with (sung) Wyoming!

My buddy just said “put it in,” and I answered with “that’s what she said!”

Okay Free for All, I promise I’m going to stop calling you, because this is the 22nd time I’ve called you tonight, and you haven’t answered, so you’re probably just ignoring me. If you want to talk, just give me a call when you get this. I miss you.

I think the people at the Parking Department are the most horrible, heartless people ever. They’re even worse than the North Korean authorities.

Free for All, I’m peeing and I wanted to call Seth, but I don’t have Seth’s number, so I’m calling you instead. IF you run into him, tell him to call me. Thanks.

I’m driving home on K-10, and going towards Lawrence is an ice cream truck. Don’t they know how cold it is outside?

If dinosaurs are so dangerous, then why are they extinct?

Me and my roommate are driving around and listening to the song “Everybody Have Fun Tonight,” and what the hell does “Wang Chung” mean?

Free for All, it’s Saturday night at 11. My roommates and I don’t have any beer. Will you buy for us? Thanks, man.

These shoes rule.

It is Easter, and I’m drunk as all hell. Thank you, Jesus.

I’m watching porn and listening to rap. By my best estimate, the apocalypse is going to happen tomorrow.

To the girl who wished me a happy Easter this morning, you are the cutest Easter bunny I’ve ever seen.

I totally just saw someone hit a bunny. Is that allowed on Easter?

Chris deserves to be fired, and anyone in support of him needs to face consequences.

Free for All, I just saw and old Amish couple driving a truck. Is that right?

I just got done using a handicapped stall, and I was wondering if a handicapped person came in and needed to use the stall, could I get a ticket?

I’m a level 24human paladin. Yeah, that is why I’m hot, Free for All.

Hey Free for All, we’re waiting outside your house. We’re here to pick you up, man. The movie’s in 20 minutes. Hurry up and get in the damned car.

I’m not a sorority girl, and I drive a Lexus and I snort coke.

Free for All, is it okay to slap a girl if she’s acting like a crazy?

Amy, my buddy got kicked out of a party this weekend for making out with you. I think all retributions should be paid orally.

I’m looking at a coupon, and there’s a typo in it.

Free for All, you care so much! You’re like a horny little Care Bear!

Stop calling the Free for All and complaining about your relationships. No one cares.

Does anyone think these comics are funny?

Why are there two naked men lying on Wescoe beach?

Free for All, when are you coming home? You went out to get milk last week. I’ve left you several messages. You haven’t returned my calls. I’m starting to worry. Where are you?

To the chick who called in about that Skyline: You’ve just justified my view of women as mindless, gold-digging playtoys.