Minster: Calling Prince William

Royalty marriage worth the cash

Column photo

By Brandon Minster

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Allow me to be among the first million to declare to Prince William my availability. Sure, I might already be married, but there’s probably some small legal point on which to question my marriage’s validity. I don’t think the royal family will have a problem with that; after all, they invented the idea of ending marriages on technicalities.

Of course, I still love my wife, but I’ve got my future to think about here. By becoming Mrs. William Mountbatten-Windsor I would make a huge advance towards my goal of never having to use the economics degree I’m getting here. He would be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which I’d like to become accustomed.

And I could always maintain an affair with my wife on the side. That’s another thing the royals do well.

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I don’t think the royal family will have a problem with that; after all, they invented the idea of ending marriages on technicalities.

Throwing my wife under the bus might seem extreme, but these are extreme times. When else is there going to be a hot item like William on the market, with a nearly-canonized mother and eleventy zillion dollars in change beneath his couch cushions?

I admit, William has a face like a constipated horse who has just caught a glimpse of a birthing video. He’s heir to the throne of a country full of people who regularly eat animal organs that weren’t used here even in Upton Sinclair’s day. His nation is responsible for all the annoying people around here who say “spot on. But I don’t care about trivial things like that, because I can look past the superficialities and see the true man he is: a walking bottomless check book.

We’ll spend this summer on Ibiza, then next winter in Saint Tropez, and around this time next year, we’ll get married on the moon. While he’s away on “official” business I’ll buy Picassos and light them on fire with trillion-pound notes.

Even if I ignore what I get out of this, I’d be a fool to not do this for my children. The royal family can afford way more Thomas the Tank Engine toys than I can. Why buy plastic My Little Pony toys when there are real live ponies in the world?

Some opportunities only come once in a lifetime. I’m not getting any younger, or skinnier. William is on the rebound right now, and I might end up only being used, but my television has recently developed weird color splotches on the picture and I can’t afford a new one. If William is prepared to buy a new one for me, I say “use away!”

William, feel free to contact me at opinion@kansan.com. I sexily anticipate your reply.

Minster is a Lawrence junior in economics.

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