Hey, Free for All, are you Jonah?

God hates people who ask for their burritos to be mixed. You know who you are.

Every time some toolbag guy puts a gigantic spoiler on his stupid car a little baby arctic seal dies an excruciatingly painful death. So pleas, save the seals. Stop the spoilers.

Free for All, let me spoon with you while you fork me.

Free for All, I will catch you if you fall.

Listen, it’s been a bad day. I need a drink for Jesus.

Free for All, who invented you? I want to know.

Free for All, you are never available. Every time I call you, I only hear your sexy voice, and then I hear “we are not available, University Daily Kansan Free for All.” That saddens me.

Is there any worse walk of shame on earth than the walk of shame from the White House?

Who would leave Sasha Kahn hanging? High five, buddy! High five!

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar!

I’m a guy that likes Smirnoff. Don’t judge me!

Oh shit, I just lost the game!

Thank you for helping me procrastinate. I have a million things to do, but instead I’d rather call you.

It’s true, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Free for All, please tell Amy not to pee next to electrical utility boxes anymore. Thank you.

Did anyone find out who herpes-guy was from Free for All from last week? Because I’m a little concerned.

Free for All sucks. They never read whatever I say. I hate it!

Women walking in flip flops look like they’re trying to avoid chaffing their nuts.

Diversion on a felony? God, I love Douglas County.

Were they built for speed or comfort?

Where’s the beef?

Pharmacy school electives are the most retarded thing ever, and they are ruining my life.

Smoke.