Hawk Topics

By Chris Raine

Thursday, April 26, 2007

1. In a new document, the Roman Catholic Church reverses its teachings about “limbo,” the spiritual destination for the souls of babies who die before being baptized and cleansed of original sin. Because if there’s one thing the Catholic Church discourages, it’s absurd fantastical beliefs based on nothing more than ancient traditions and blind faith.

2. A new study finds that heavy drinking in college may increase the risk of heart disease. Heavy drinking also appears to drastically increase the number of stupid, pointless and repetitive pictures people put on their Facebook profiles.

3. A new survey reveals that the clergy, firefighters and other jobs that involve helping other people are considered the most satisfying. The least satisfying jobs included proctologist, referee, peep show janitor, fat camp massage therapist, Pauly Shore’s agent, “Hawk Topics” writer, and Grey’s Anatomy Fan Club President.

4. The Supreme Court votes to uphold a nationwide ban on controversial partial-birth abortions in a 5–4 decision. Let me get this straight ­— now we can only get an abortion if the fetus hasn’t been delivered yet? Isn’t this America? I thought we were in America!

5. Improbable American Idol finalist Sanjaya Malakar is finally voted off the show. Not to worry, Sanjaya. As the careers of Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Fred Durst, 50 Cent and Fergie have shown us, America absolutely loves untalented ass clowns masquerading as entertainers.

6. New Jersey governor Jon Corzine is critically injured in a high-speed car wreck on his way to a meeting between shock jock Don Imus and the Rutgers women’s basketball team. The critical injury toll from Don Imus’s insensitive remarks continues to rise, now including Corzine’s broken leg, sternum, vertebrae, collarbone, several ribs and the Rutgers women’s basketball team’s feelings.

7. Protestors in India burn effigies of actor Richard Gere after he repeatedly kisses actress Shilpa Shetty on the cheek during an AIDS awareness rally. Speaking of “Shetty,” are you guys going to watch Grey’s Anatomy tonight?

8. Presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton says that if she were elected, she would make her husband a roaming ambassador to the world. The NCAA passes a rule restricting coaches from sending text messages to potential recruits.

9. The NCAA passes a rule restricting coaches from sending text messages to potential recruits. Now middle-aged men are going to have to find a new excuse for why they’re sending teenage boys text messages like, “f U wrk on yor ball-handling U cn cum plA 4 me.”

10. The Russian News Service mandates that 50 percent of all its radio news must be “positive,” with no mention of death, violence or poverty, and must portray the Putin administration in a positive light at all times. The news agency will also change its name to “Fox News.”

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