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Home is Where the Fight Is

By Laura Evers

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Growing up, I had a great relationship with my mom. I looked forward to coming home from school and telling her about my day. She listened intently as I went into detail about boys I thought were cute and why my best friend was making me mad. She was my rock and in many ways I was hers. I felt that I couldn’t make a decision without her by my side and always knew everything would be OK as long as she was in my life. And then… I went to college.

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Photo by Sarah Leonard

The struggle for independence

Before college, I never planned on pulling away from my parents. They were who I turned to for comfort and were always my best supporters. But once I arrived at KU, I felt I needed to branch out and do things on my own. I wanted them in my life, but I needed room to grow as an adult.

Some of us struggle to gain independence from our parents when we first come to college. Whether it be doing our own laundry or paying bills, we gradually become adults. Although learning to be independent is important, it often causes families distress when we return home during the school year.

Because students become more responsible and self-sufficient while away at school, they are often faced with the challenge of re-introducing themselves to their parents when they arrive home, says Andra Medea, author of Going Home without Going Crazy. The best way to do this is by showing your parents how you’ve matured.

“Be mindful not to fall back into old habits,” Medea says. “When you do this, you’ll have a harder time convincing your parents that you’ve grown up.” Don’t refuse to pick up your dirty clothes or address your parents in a whiney tone when they’re upset with you. Doing this will only make your parents treat you like a 14-year-old, because these things are typical of a 14-year-old’s behavior. Instead, address your parents in a deeper, more adult tone. This will surprise the parent and help them realize you‘ve grown up and matured, Medea says.

Many arguments begin because the returning student feels he must push away in order to prove his independence, often causing tension in the household. “It’s a hard transition for families,” says Jeff King, a marriage and family therapist in Lawrence. “Parents don’t know if they still have authority or if they should act as their child’s peer.” This uncertainty can often create apprehension in the family.

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When I began to withdraw, my mom started to pop up everywhere. She joined Facebook, MySpace and even Xanga, often leaving messages for me and even my friends.

Unwanted advice

The problems between my mom and I arose about a year after I moved out. I had recently begun dating a guy who lived in my dorm. Because I hadn’t dated in the past, it was a new experience for both of us. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing something that I wanted to keep to myself. Almost immediately after discussing my new relationship with my mom, I started receiving several e-mails a day.

The subject lines included “making a relationship last” and “the fundamentals of dating,” among other things. I knew she was trying to be helpful, but it made me feel like I was being told what to do. I had turned to her in the past for advice, but in this situation, I really just wanted to figure out the relationship on my own. This was a very confusing time for her because, in the past, I had told her everything that was on my mind and all of a sudden I was more guarded.

Adjusting to new ways of communication can be difficult for both parents and their children. “It’s a process of growing up and re-negotiating the most important relationships of your life,” says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing Patterns of Intimate Relationships. “When you go home, it’s an anxious time. If your mother manages anxiety by giving advice, she will do it more.”

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There’s a myth that when you go away to college, you should separate from your parents and they should ‘let go.’

— Harriet lerner

Avoid distancing

I never knew how to handle the advice I received from my mom. Eventually, I stopped returning many of her phone calls and didn’t reply to her e-mails. But isolating yourself from your parents only makes the problem worse. “If your parents call 12 times a day, your tendency may be to distance, which causes your parents anxiety,” Lerner says. “If your parents are being intrusive, the challenge is to be clear about what is best for you without being emotionally distancing.”

Instead of getting mad, Lerner suggests approaching the situation with humor. She recommends saying something like, “Mom, you’re acting like the American Red Cross here. Do I look like I need rescuing?” After this is done, parents usually back off. It’s a way to set personal boundaries.

Check in

When I went home for summer breaks, my parents usually wanted to know what time I would get back from a night out with my friends. When I was a child, I felt that it was all right for them to wait up for me and worry, but now that I was on my own, I felt these questions were unreasonable.

Andrea Crawford, Overland Park senior, had a similar experience. “I don’t get a lot of independence when I go home,” she says. “I can’t really go out anywhere very late because my parents can’t sleep until I get back.” Parents want to know their child is safe, but the questions they asked when their child still lived at home are no longer appropriate for a college student.

Lizzie Hartman, Shawnee freshman, has also experienced the shock of coming home and being re-introduced to curfews. At school, she could stay out as long as she wanted, but when she went home she was surprised that her parents got upset after she returned home a couple of hours later than she had told them she would. Fortunately, she’s reached a compromise with her parents. “They get concerned that something has happened to me,” Hartman says. “The rule now is I just have to call, say where I am, who I’m with and let them know I’m going to be late. I feel that if that’s all I have to change, than I can deal with that.”

Set boundaries

Besides wanting to know when you’ll be home, parents often try to find out the basics of their child’s life. Christina Gekas, Eden Prairie, Minn., senior, says she was often frustrated by her mom’s attempts to find out about the boys in her life, even turning to her brother to find out more information.

Although it’s good to keep parents updated on some things in your life, it’s also important to establish boundaries to your conversations. “One of the most important things to remember is to not lash out at your parents because you’re frustrated,” Medea says. “In the end, lashing out only invites more unwelcome questions and therefore you don’t get what you want.” Instead, she suggests responding respectfully by saying that the question was too personal and decline to answer. “This causes parents to do a double take,” Medea says. “It’s a very adult thing to do.”

Arguments are inevitable when families are adjusting to you being away from home. If an argument does happen, it’s good to sit down with your parents and lay down some ground rules of what you will and will not talk about with them. If you prepare ahead of time, it decreases the possibility of your parents asking random questions, says Ed Bloch, a clinical social worker and therapist. Explain to your parents that although you still love them, you need to be able to build relationships with your peers because they are the ones who ultimately will support you while you’re at school, he says.

In these situations, it’s important to avoid coming off as critical, King says. If someone blames, criticizes or accuses their parents of doing something wrong, their parents get defensive and a fight begins. An alternative way to deal with the situation is to demand their respect but also remind them that you still need their input, King says. It’s important to make sure they know you don’t want to get rid of them.

It’s hard for them, too

To avoid possible resentment from parents, keep in mind that they are having a difficult time as well. Susan Schwartz, Memphis, Tenn., junior, says that her dad often sends her a text message to see if she can talk. If she doesn’t respond, he’ll call and if she doesn’t pick up, he sends another text message. Although she explains that sometimes she doesn’t want to be disturbed, she says she realizes that her parents don’t see her every day and have a right to worry. Oftentimes when students feel hounded by their parents, they can become frustrated and avoid contact with their parents.

When I began to withdraw, my mom started to pop up everywhere. She joined Facebook, MySpace and even Xanga, often leaving messages for me and even my friends. I began to feel digitally claustrophobic. I couldn’t escape her presence and unfortunately, it made me avoid her even more than I had before.

It wasn’t until a couple of months ago when I was talking to her on the phone that she said, “All I want is to feel like I’m part of your life, but you never call me anymore.” Her words stung me because before I had felt that she was the problem. She was too intrusive. She was overbearing. But after she said those words, I realized that I had neglected her.

If you, like me, have been guilty of avoiding your parents when they begin to become more intrusive, there are some ways to reassure them that you still want them in your life. First of all, push them for time. This may seem crazy considering they already seem intrusive, but spending quality time alone with your parents can help give you some space. Medea suggests taking mom out for breakfast or helping dad fix the car. During your time together you can tell them what’s going on in your life while asking them questions as well. This not only eases their fears about what you’re up to, but also shows them that you’re mature enough to have adult conversations.

Gekas says that during her first years of college her mom expressed worry that their relationship was becoming more distant. At the time, Gekas was confused because they talked frequently. She says she realized later that her responses to her mom’s questions were often one word and without substance. “If there’s not quality in your conversation, it’s worthless,” she says. Now she makes a point to expand upon her answers to create more meaningful conversation.

Parents want what’s best for their children, often finding it hard to let go when they still question themselves on whether they did a good job raising us. They have become accustomed to having control. The thought of losing that and allowing their children to run their own lives can leave them with fear for their child’s future, King says.

Pam Allen, a clinical social worker in Topeka, says that parents want so much for their child to do well that it sometimes hurts the relationship. “Parents struggle with trusting their children to make the right decision,” she says. “Sometimes the fear can be so big that it puts a barrier in the relationship.”

Besides worrying about you, parents also struggle to redefine their own place in the world after you move out. “I got really depressed during this time,” my mom told me. “All of a sudden I had all this extra time and no one to mother.” It’s very difficult to go through what King calls the “launching stage,” the period when a young person gradually becomes more independent. “So far, they’ve been defined as being a parent,” King says. “They experience a sense of loss. They need their kids to still need them.”

Coming home is also stressful for parents because they know your visit is short-lived and you will leave again. To connect more with her mom while she’s away at school, Gekas is trying to teach her mom to use Gmail chat. That way they can talk more frequently and her mom won’t feel as much distance between them, she says.

Learn to communicate

A leading mistake among families is their lack of communication. According to Bloch, families must put it out there that they are going through a difficult transition. “There is an expectation that it should be easy to handle,” he says. “It’s better to talk about your feelings than hide them.”

Allen says it’s important to recognize the time as an adjustment. The transition will not be smooth at all times, but not communicating and losing the relationship can only cause harm to the student involved. “If a young adult can maintain contact with their parents, they will most likely be more stable and grounded,” she says. “On the other hand, if a student is cut off from their parents, they can become more vulnerable to develop a problem with alcohol or drugs.”

I’ve changed a lot of things in the past few months. Now when my mom calls, I call her back and make an attempt to ask her about her day. Although our relationship isn’t perfect, (but whose is, right?) I realize now why it got to the point it did. We both made mistakes, but we’ll overcome them because we love each other.

“There’s a myth that when you go away to college, you should separate from your parents and they should ‘let go,’ Lerner says. “This notion is fairly unhealthy and inaccurate because if things go well, family is forever.”

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