Free for All: April 27, 2007

By KANSAN

Friday, April 27, 2007

Free for All, I wish you could receive texts, because I really had to poop in class, and I wanted to send you a text and tell you that.

Dear Kansan, sex has been around for a long time. It certainly doesn’t merit front page headline news.

I just thought of a new idea for a TV show: “Park & Ride Confessions.”

Free for All, I’ve made your section every day this week. I must be like butter, because I’m on a roll!

Can you tell me why I’ve been waiting in the rain for half an hour for a bus that’s supposed to run every four minutes?

E’s food is comforting on only one level. I know that if there’s ever a nuclear bomb, I won’t have to eat cockroaches because E’s food will survive too.

You know, I like this warm weather and all, but it means I can’t wear my badass, cool letterman jacket.

Sasha Kaun is a product of the DHARMA Initiative.

The Esurance girl is a cocktease.

I just Sasha Kaun walking, and he had a boot on his foot. What happened to Sasha Kaun’s foot?

Free for All, I just got done telling my roommate why my cell phone was in his ex-girlfriend’s room. I need a hug.

I just wanted to say that there is one really good thing about the rain, and that’s that it made the toilet paper really soft, so it feels a lot better to wipe with.

Free for All, do you have any change? Change? Do you have any change? I need some change. Do you have any change? Change.

I’m at the Phoggy Dog right now with my best friend, Dan. I just want to say that it’s my biggest wish to get into the Free for All, so please print this. I love you.

Bitch, I’m true. Bitch, I’m so true.

Kevin Bacon is a slut.

Andrew, I know you have a girlfriend, but could you just make out with me, I’d really appreciate it.

To the guy who said “guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” you’re probably right, but I think the guns help.

One of my professors just told us that he’d been to a Vietnamese brothel, and he chose girl No. 99.

To the kid who likes being called a douchebag because it’s a hygiene product: Shut the hell up, you bar of soap! I’m just kidding. Have a fabulous Friday.

I to think of Jesus as a rock singer with an angel band, and I’m in the front row, hammered.

To the guy at The Hawk that wouldn’t stop making out with me: Thank you. I now have cuts all over the inside of my lip.

I just took Sheryl Crow’s advice and used one piece of toilet paper, and now my hands are covered all in shit.

If Dandelions were an STD, KU would have syphilis.

No more burrito king for me. I just took a dump, and I thought I was shitting battery acid.

Guns don’t kill people. People with mustaches kill people.

Amy, are you pregnant?

Well why don’t you cry about it, Saddlebags!

Why do I have a raging boner right now? Is it because I’m watching Courtney Cox?

Smoke.

No, Free for All, seriously, where’s Jonah?

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