Next time you’re in a parking lot, maybe you should watch for other people, asshole!

Free for All, do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?

To the guy who just biked up Naismith hill, you’re awesome.

My crazy roommate Lauren just spit up oatmeal all over her pants.

I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but Free for All isn’t a person, they never answer the phone, the can’t send you a text message back, they will never call you back, and they will not come rub your feet, so find somebody else.

I’m wasted right now and I need a girl to have sex with! Where is she?

To the person who came into the Question and Answer session of the lecture: I hope the professor saw you and gives you zero credit, because you don’t deserve it. And take that Bluetooth off your ear.

I would like to thank the Free for All for being cool, and also congratulate the Free for All, the UDK, the Jay Play, and the Chalk magazine for their continuing efforts in reminding me that I’m not getting laid. Thanks a lot!

You know you're an alcoholic when your favorite game is Solitaire.

What the hell is Nicolas Cage doing in all these action movies? He’s not an action person. He’s just not.

(Somebody reading, at near light speed, the entirety of last newspaper’s Free for All)

No, we didn’t let you play sports because you were a turd out there. You couldn’t hit, you could run, you were just a turd out there.

Oh God, I’ve smoked my cat retarded!

There’s a huge piece of dog crap I walk on every day on the way to class.

To the girl that was riding on the elevator with me with the sketchy slut: Yeah, you were hot, and I didn’t know you lived on my floor. Come find me.

To the girl in the tiny green shorts and the Uggs: You are pushing it, and should probably seek some help.

My honors chem professor just made a pickle glow. Take that, regular chem!

Can you file a noise complaint against a day-care?

To the guy I just broke up with: I’m sorry, it was the noises that caused it.

It’s rainin’ sideways!

The guy who is dumpster-diving behind Oliver: I hope you don’t stab yourself on my insulin syringes.

Hey, girl I don’t know who is looking at my Facebook album of pictures from my birthday this week in the library: Stop it. It’s people like you that make me want to delete my Facebook altogether.

This is in response to the person who said that Kevin Bacon is a slut. I would just like to say that Kevin American Bacon is probably the greatest and most patriotic man this country has ever seen, and that Footloose is probably the best movie ever.

I wish I had balls, so someone could cup them.

To the girl I was making out with at The Hawk: It’s not my fault. You didn’t seem like you wanted to stop either. Thanks, bitch.

I excrete glory.

If girls would just put our more, it would stop world hunger.

I’m solving world hunger, one blowjob at a time.

To the boy in my physics class: I knew I liked you when I heard Snoop Dogg through your headphones.

Guns kill people. Just like spoons made Rosie O’Donnell fat.

Free for All, when I masturbate, I think of you.

Dear Free for All, I’d pee in her butt, if she gave me the chance.

Free for All, it’s my birthday. I just turned the big 2-1, and all I want for my birthday is to be in the Free for All, so please make it happen.

Brandon’s leaving too? Are you kidding me?

To the people who were at the rave last night: I’m the guy who peed in the rave juice.

I used the Free for All to clean up after sex. It was awesome.

I just saw a girl downtown in a skanky dress, and when I got closer, I realized it was my math TA.

Free for All, I just climbed on top of Wescoe and I’m stuck. What’s the number for 911?

I just found out my roommate has Chlamydia, and his girlfriend thinks he gave it to her. The truth is, he was a virgin before her, and she doesn’t know that.

I just saw a girl get handcuffed for drunk driving! Good thing the cops weren’t following me!

I’m pretty sure I just saw a drug deal and then heard drug shots. I’m a little concerned and don’t know what to do.

There’s a huge orgy at Potter’s Lake. Everyone should come join.

I just wanted to apologize to Pat for pissing in his bed.

Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!

Oops! This isn’t the number for Gumby’s!

(Belch)

You can’t handle the truth!