I’d like to send a big “eff you” to the guy who stole my sunglasses in Oliver Hall. I hope you enjoy the two hundred dollar pair, you jackass.

My roommate fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Kansan, I think you should not lie to me. When you say the horoscopes are on 6A, you should put the horoscopes on 6A.

To the guy that has calc in Snow 152 at two o’clock, Monday through Friday: Stop talking to that girl in the hall. She’s annoying.

Free for All, what is the record for most days being posted in a row? I’d like to know, so I can beat it.

To the cute girl in the red car who just let me in on 19th Street: You’re my hero. I love you. Thank you so much.

My boss just pooped a hammer.

His boss just pooped a hammer.

If anyone found a pair of keys with a robot key chain on it, could you please turn it in to the Union? Thanks.

The really need to get the sprinklers west of the football stadium to quit watering the cars on the pavement!

Erica Johnson obviously knows nothing about gambling. It’s done for the excitement, not the money.

I just parked behind Strong Hall, illegally, for an hour. As soon as I leave, I see the tow truck. Holla at your boy!

Free for All, what’s a dingleberry? Because I think I have one.

Hey Free for All, Greeks are people, too. Have a heart.

I love fuzzy tacos, and I love you, Free for All.

Hello Free for All, this is Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don’t you have a seat over there?

(Sung to the tune of “Lollipop”) Voldemort, Voldemort, Oh-Volde-Volde-Volde-Voldemort, Voldemort, Oh-Volde-Volde-Volde-Voldemort.

I just saw a dead deer on K-10, and I almost cried.

Hey Mindy. Hey Mindy, guess what? She was a ho. Ho fo sho.

To the guy next to me in the Union today: Congratulations, you are the loudest sniffer on campus.

If I buy a golf cart like Van Wilder, could I ride it around like he did, or is there a law against that?

To the girl who wanted to know why KU boys don’t date: Maybe it’s because KU girls put out. If you stopped putting out so much, then the boy would have to spend time with you for reasons other than because you have a vagina.

(Sound of car engines racing by the phone)

We’re driving to Pizza Shuttle. That’s right. We’re driving to Pizza Shuttle!

Sucks for whoever’s beer I just ran over.

To all those sorority girls out there: Watch out. I’m coming for you if I ever get single.

I really have the munchies, and the most brilliant thing just occurred to me. They should give medical marijuana to anorexics.

Free for All, I just peed in my friend’s bathtub and wiped myself, and by accident I dabbed my sweat off with the same pee.

I think that hippie had fleas!

Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC is the world’s biggest cock-block!