Thursday, August 30, 2007
At the start of your job, your boss hands you a book roughly the size of the Bible and asks you to read it. You glance at the title: “Employee Handbook.” To save you time, all employee handbooks boil down to these three points. One, smile and get along with everyone even if they’re stupid (including your boss). Two, you should always be busy, look busy or act busy. Three, the dress code does not allow open-toed shoes, but mullets are okay.
After you work for a while, you realize life is unfair. Your required work shirt totally clashes with your hair. I mean, you realize it’s unfair that you have been trained rigorously to properly deal with customers, but they don’t know how to properly deal with you. Instead of asking nicely if you can help them, they whine, because apparently you should be able to read their minds and instantly give them what they want.
So today, I present to you “The Customer Handbook.” These rules can apply to any customer-employee situation but are definitely written with KU dining in mind. I work for the Market, the food court in the Kansas Union. We get a lot of silly customers coming in (silly meaning stupid, but I’ve been trained to not use such demeaning labels). I believe, through the Reader’s Digest condensed version of “The Customer Handbook,” people everywhere can learn to be better customers. Or at least pretend they are.
Rule 1: Everything is expensive. Even the napkins. There is nothing the cashier can do about it, so don’t gripe at them. It’s your own fault you can’t read the price signs and add.
Rule 2: Don’t put your card in your mouth (your KU ID, your credit card, your library card, etc) and then hand it to the cashier. That’s gross. We already handle money which has been who knows where (probably All Stars), so don’t add to it.
Rule 3: Look before you ask. If you don’t know how much something costs, you look for a sign and then, gasp, read it. I know it takes a lot of effort to move your eyes back and forth, but try it. If you’re not sure where something is, once again, use your eyes. Make a complete 360-degree turn if necessary. You will then see that the straws are in a cubby right below the lids.
Rule 4: Clean up after yourself. We are not your mother, nor do we get paid enough to be. If you spill five cups on the floor please pick them up. Then put them back for other customers to use because everyone loves the new Coca-Cola Unsanitary. Throw away any trash you have. No one is going to eat your leftover straw wrappers, not even the vegans. And standing there, gasping, and repeatedly saying, “I’m so sorry!” doesn’t mop up a spill.
Rule 5: Don’t put your card in your mouth.
Rule 6: Don’t wear headphones or talk on the phone when dealing with a cashier. You need to hear us when we tell you we don’t take your type of credit card because we have a personal vendetta against you. Put your music on pause or tell your friend she’ll have to wait before complaining how unfair it was that so-and-so got kicked off “American Idol.”
Rule 7: If an employee wishes you a nice day, even if your leg has fallen off and your cat spawned Satan this morning, wish us a nice day back. Or at least say thanks. Cashiers have feelings too.
Rule 8: Don’t put this column in your mouth.
Hartz is a Stilwell junior in creative writing.
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