Thursday, August 30, 2007
1. Embattled NFL star Michael Vick pleads guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges.
Vick, a huge fan of animal combat, was reportedly excited to start his sentence after hearing about the daily cockfights that go on in prison, although I’m pretty sure that Vick doesn’t understand what kind of “cock” he’ll be fighting.
2. Pregnant celebrity Nicole Richie is released from jail after serving 82 minutes of her four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.
Authorities released Richie amid fears that she was undertaking a hunger strike, unaware that the skeletal pseudo-celeb regularly goes four or more days without eating.
3. Sales of the “Plan B” morning-after pill nearly double in the past year since the FDA legalized their sale without a prescription.
In other news, “Ladies’ Night” at the Hawk has been a roaring success for the past year.
4. The World Health Organization reports that infectious diseases are spreading more quickly than ever before around the world.
Ditto on the Ladies’ Night.
5. A New Jersey teenager “unlocks” Apple’s new iPhone from its restriction to the AT&T network, enabling owners to use the phone with any cellular service.
AT&T quickly issued a direct response to the Jersey teen: “i’M going to f___ing kill you.”
6. A book of letters written by the late Mother Teresa reveals that the revered Catholic humanitarian had serious doubts about God and her faith throughout her life.
Other surprising revelations from the letters show that Mother Teresa was a fervent reader of romance novels, despised children, possessed a voracious appetite for steak and chili fries, and had a serious crush on Jordan from New Kids on the Block.
7. An AP poll shows that one in four Americans read no books at all in the last year.
The more disturbing finding of the poll was that 90% of America’s “readers” consider People magazine a book.
8. Controversial U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez resigns.
Although details are sketchy, White House insiders say Gonzalez finally had enough of President Bush’s attempts to get him to wear a sombrero and fake mustache during press conferences, as well as constantly referring to him as “Speedy” both in private and public.
9. A comprehensive sex survey reveals that people in the United States still lead active sex lives well into their 70s and 80s.
The survey also revealed that detailed information about old people having sex is a leading cause of diminished sex drives in younger Americans.
10. Frequently-intoxicated Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan accepts a plea deal on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that will land her one day of jail time.
Considering the 21-year-old Lohan has already committed enough drunken antics to produce a season of “True Hollywood Story,” I’m confident that 24 hours in a minimum-security prison will put her back on the right path.
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