Monday, December 3, 2007
My kids can’t agree on the gender of the baby in my wife’s tummy. My daughter insists it’s a girl, while my son is adamant it’s a boy. They’re both wrong: What this baby is is expensive.
This is our third kid, but our first without insurance, and as every American knows, things purchased through insurance are “free.” After our son was born, a nurse tried to help us loot the hospital before checking out, offering us handfuls of $45 bags of chemical ice that she swore were complimentary. I told her a bag of frozen water from our freezer at home would do the same job. “But these are free,” she repeated.
Let me set the record straight: Nothing involved with having a baby is free. But when I had to give up full-time employment because my degree program is not available at night, we ended up with, “If you’ve severed a limb, this coverage will make sure you don’t die on the sidewalk outside the emergency room doors” insurance, and that type of insurance doesn’t cover “luxuries” like babies.
It was okay, though, because we were so poor we would qualify for government help. Except that program counts gross income, not net, and that put us just barely out of the program. But they miscalculated my hours, ignoring that I don’t work full weeks during finals, which put us just barely out.
So I voluntarily restricted my hours to put us just barely in. But we’re a family of three for their purposes, ignoring our two other children, which put us just barely out. But the program has a $200-per-month allowance, which put us just barely in. But then my company gave us a small bonus, which put us just barely out.
I told my wife she had to get used to being poor and start acting like poor people do: Take her two kids to the program office in Topeka and let them scream in the reception area while she insisted on service. In a war of attrition there’s a whole lot of government that has to be worn down. She, however, was born too uppity to act that way. It wasn’t like I asked her to let the kids grow mullets while she rode a scooter around Wal-Mart. But she still refused.
Meanwhile, our baby’s sex made itself outwardly recognizable. People began demanding to know what we were having. Answers of, “Uh, a baby?” appeased no one. With our other two children we had sonograms, going in with a boy name and a girl name and coming out knowing the name of the baby inside my wife. But that was when the state was picking up the tab. Now that we would foot the bill, it didn’t seem so important to know.
So we tried to give our baby a general nickname, but our kids can’t even agree on that. Our son prefers “Baby X,” while our daughter uses the name “Mystery Baby.” When we say prayers at night we have to say thank you for both or there is a protest.
We’ve taken two loans, one from the Bank of Mom and Dad and another from In-Laws Savings and Loans, and that should help us keep the wolves from the door, as it were. My fears of springing our baby from hock or dodging a guy from Jersey in a track suit who’s come to “repo” the baby are allayed for now. But if we default to my in-laws I’m worried for my knees.
Minster is a Lawrence senior in economics.
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