Friday, February 23, 2007
I’ve tried it with myself, but I always end up feeling unfulfilled and a little ashamed. Many of my previous experiences have been confined to certain Web sites, in the privacy of my own room. I’ve heard it’s so much better with a partner. Or even multiple partners, for the especially adventurous.
Lately, I’ve even been craving some passionate, uninhibited social intercourse.
I’m not really a social phobic. I might suffer from conversational dysfunction, but you’re probably not the most compelling person, either.
Recently, I decided to enhance my flaccid social skills by interacting with Real Live People. But first, I had to check my e-mail. I do this so often that I’ve diagnosed myself with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I’ve never been addicted to heroin, but I have a pretty good idea of what it feels like. After getting my Outlook Web Access fix, I embarked on a voyage for the prospect of an unprotected social encounter.
My intrepid vessel was nearly out of gas. I blasted the defrost and the Decemberists. As I dropped anchor at a Conoco, I lamented my still-fogged windshield and Colin Meloy’s newfound prog influences. Pay at the Pump or Prepay Only?! An unfortunate twist. I had hoped for some pleasant interaction with the gas station attendant. Perhaps I would ask him which brand of Lite beer he preferred, or how he got his goatee to grow in like that. I seriously considered prepaying, for a little of that human touch, but my wallet was barren, save for a shiny Jayhawk Visa. Reminded of the five credit card offers I received in the mail that day, I swiped the plastic, and abstained from potential conversation.
Baby, I was born to run — to the store, to pick up a five-subject college-ruled spiral notebook and assorted dairy products. Three gallons of 2 percent milk, one carton of lowfat cottage cheese, and five boxes of cereal later, I determined that Dillons does not, in fact, sell school supplies. My disappointment was on par with the time I found out that Dillons does not sell toilet plungers. I once heard Rush Limbaugh say that they’re going to have a sin tax on dairy products eventually, like they do with cigarettes. Praying to Pat Robertson that Rush was wrong, I paid for my sins at the express self-checkout, avoiding the judgmental words of a human cashier.
Wal-Mart, too, was out of five-subject notebooks. And in further mockery of my futile quest, there was no octogenarian at the door to greet me. My final hope for social stimulation and school supply sustenance was the Jayhawk Bookstore. I found the notebook immediately. Unfortunately, this glorified stack of paper cost $11.
Faced with my first opportunity for interpersonal relations, I thrust forward with a long string of expletives. The cashier turned away in disgust, prematurely ending my first social experience. I went home to check my e-mail, wishing they made a little blue pill for my condition.
Snider is a Mulvane junior in chemical engineering.
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