Sherron Collins, are you really married? That’s what facebook says, and now my friend really needs to know.

E’s just disappointed me. My burrito looks like a dirty cow vagina.

I just saw the hottest man in the world, and he’s picking his nose. Does that disqualify his hotness?

Yes! With this great weather, I get to wear my Ugg boots with my skirts!

To Sherron Collins: Please stop asking me if I’m a freak. I’m not into double-teaming.

I just beat World of Warcraft!

Okay, so my friend just showed me the newspaper from the other day, and Sherron Collins was all over the front. I guess I could be a freak.

Free-for-All, how’s your mom? Anyway, I was just wondering, do poor kids play Air Guitar Hero?

So United Students can’t even spell “student” in chalk. Am I really going to vote for that?

I find a certain irony in fat people who wear track suits.

Dear Free-for-All, I just learned that turtles can breathe through their butts. Did you know that?

Hey Free-for-All, you guys put too many f-words in today’s section. Oh fuck! I stubbed my toe!

I just passed a drug test! Let’s get crunk!

Beer with liquor and you’ll get drunk quicker.

To the guy who needed someone for his roommate: My roommate totally needs to get laid, too, and I think we should hook them up. Tell him to call Hailey.

In the tradition of our student coalitions being named after airlines, I am hereby founding the TWA Student Senate coalition.

Dear John, the women of Murphy would love to see you naked, you sexy thang!

Just a little bit of advice for Mario Chalmers: Learn how to tip your waitress, buddy. You looked cheap tonight.

Free-for-All, when you find somebody else’s parking ticket just lying on the grass, what do you do with it? Do you burn it for them, or do you turn it in somewhere?

Some guy coughed on my macaroni at Mrs. E’s! I hope he gets an STD.

I’m tempted not to vote for United Students simply because they’re shitting up every piece of sidewalk on campus.

Natalie, you’re not dating Sherron Collins. Stop lying to us!

I’m almost positive the new Naismith manager is a sexual deviant.

The purpose of a roundabout is pretty much defeated when you stop right in front of me to drop off your baby-mama.

Why do the burglars on top of Eaton Hall always have to be black? Why can’t we have a white burglar?

To all the guys who run on campus without their shirts on: Don’t shave your happy trail.

Free-for-All, you motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you’d better lock it up. Lock it up.

To the person who called in about the Catholic ashes tradition: For goodness sakes, they’re just palm leaf ashes!

Hey Rambo, this is Jason. I just wanted to let you know I’m the one who put the hole in Cathy. She really likes it rough. No hard feelings, man.

I think we should have an annual “Bonfire of the Uggs” every time the temperature gets above 50 degrees in the winter.

Got milk?

Thanks to the guy who suggested that I smoke a bowl, because I did, and I got laid.

The 23rd and Crestline stoplight is the Satan’s asshole of all stoplights.

Jeff, you are a douchebag for wearing white in the front row at a basketball game.

I’m about 75% sure the new Naismith manager just bad-touched me.

The only thing Sherron Collins fears are dinosaurs. It’s a good thing they’re extinct!

The Hawks defense is just like your best friend on your 21st birthday, just making you take nasty shots.

I adjusted the contrast on my screen due to the whiteness of Matt Kleinman’s legs.

What do you get when you put Free-for-All in a box? A toolbox!

Lawrence, it’s house party season, so start having house parties.

Free-for-All, Mass Street Deli is going out of business, so their’s free beer, so I’m inviting you. Come on up to the upper deck, and we’ll drink for free. I love you, Free-for-All.

Is it bad if you’re in Manhattan, and you’re still calling Safe Ride?

(The crackly chorus of T.N.T. by AC/DC) “‘Cause I’m T.N.T., I’m dynamite, (T.N.T.) and I’ll win the fight, (T.N.T.) I’m a power load, (T.N.T.) watch me explode”