Layla Habibi, Wichita senior, still remembers the sting she felt in her chest when she found out. She was sitting in her dorm room freshman year and her boyfriend was again talking about his “friend” from work. In the middle of the conversation, their mutual friend shouted “Oh! That girl? Isn’t she the other girlfriend you’re talking to?” Layla recalls the way it felt when her stomach hit the cold tiled floor and how she stormed out of the concrete room. The chill of humiliation she felt that day eventually melted away, but in the end, she says, she’s glad her friend fessed up.

Photo by Anna Faltermeier

Telling a friend that they're being cheated on is not an easy task. But, there are ways to make the deed less painful, for both of you.

Knowing that your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend is knockin’ boots with someone else shoves you between a boulder and a hard place. There is a way to deal, but you may want to start off by putting out your flames of rage and taking a step back. By maintaining composure and putting your friend’s eternal, or even temporary, happiness first, you can find a way to put a cushion between you and that rock.

What to say

To start off, only cold, hard facts are going to get you anywhere with your friend. “Someone told me that…” isn’t going to hold enough water to put out the flames when the drama explodes in your face. You should never confront this type of situation with hearsay and with things you didn’t observe with your own eyes, says Jeff King, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Shane M. Jones and Associates. “Let them be in charge of how it goes down,” he says.

To do this, King says to start off by saying something like, “I want to tell you something that will be hard and painful to hear. How would you like me to tell you?” Your friend might feel a numbing blanket of panic cover every inch of his body, but it will let your friend know that you genuinely care about his feelings.

A good support system

Stick around after telling your friend that his boo is cheating, but don’t get too involved. You should maintain a subjective and neutral stance and give some space so that your friend and the cheating partner can work things out on their own, King says. David Scoppa, Fayetteville, Ark., senior, says he was lucky to have a good friend when his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. “I played it cool to the guy that told me, and then I found roundabout ways to find out from her,” Scoppa says.

Call ’em out

Another approach is to go to the cheater and tell him what you know about his “extra-curricular activities.” Liz Russell, Overland Park senior, believes this is the best way to intervene. “If I knew both of them, I would go to the cheater and say ‘Either you tell them today or I will tell them today,’” Russell says. She’s had first-hand experience in having to tell a friend about a loose lover. “It was absolutely awful because you know it will break their heart,” Russell says. By confronting infidelity, you put the situation fully in the couple’s hands and prevent the risk of being the evil messenger.

If the deceitful sack of crap won’t admit to cheating on your friend, it is your duty to step in. Before you jump into the fire, think about what to say. Trust your best judgment and be prepared that your friend won’t want to hear what you have to say, says Dr. John Wade, a psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services in Watkins Memorial Health Center. Feedback is a useful tool as well.

“Discuss it hypothetically, you don’t have to say who it is, with a friend or two,” Wade says. “This way you can see if your logic makes sense to other people.”

Say you’ll be there

In the event that your friend gets pissed at you, there are a few important things to remember. Realize that the anger isn’t meant toward you even though you may be in its path, Wade says. Keep yourself calm even if you want to punch out a few teeth. The anger will soon be swallowed by pain, and your friend will need a shoulder to catch snot and tears.

“When things like this happen in life, we need our friends,” Wade says.

Be supportive of your friend’s decision even if you don’t agree with it. If they stick with the relationship, remind yourself that at least you’re not the one dating the village bicycle.