Wednesday, March 7, 2007
The University Career Center hosts routine etiquette dinners to teach students to dine with strangers in business situations. In these dinners students can learn to butter their bread properly and to appropriately pass the salt and pepper shakers. They can also learn manners that are archaically prim and sexist.
At the last dinner on Feb. 27, several of the gendered instructions needed a 21st Century revision. For instance, it’s true that most business executives are men. It’s not in the least bit necessary to make quips about gender discrepancy in the business world while teaching students how to behave in front of “he’s” as though it is unlikely that this trend will ever change.
Nor is it appropriate to teach gendered mannerisms that render women dainty creatures to be cared for. Students at the etiquette dinner were told that when a woman gets up from the table, all the men need to stand up as she leaves and again when she returns. In theory, this custom is respectful. However, because the practice is extremely rare in recent American history, it is more likely to make a woman in a business setting uncomfortably aware of her gender than it is to make her feel confident of her capabilities. The considerate woman unused to this trend may even forgo a trip out of her seat just to avoid making her male acquaintances stand twice.
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Such old-fashioned mannerisms may seem harmless but nonetheless reinforce ever-prevalent stereotypes of women’s inferiority.
Students at the etiquette dinner were also instructed that, before dining, men must pull out ladies’ chairs before the ladies sit down. As the dinner director stated, this is a matter of common, traditional courtesy: “Ladies must be ladies.” The director also quipped that kindergarteners who she teaches do not always understand this rule. She reported that some young boys ask something like, “Why do we have to do that stuff even after the women’s suffrage movement?”
Indeed, why do we? Tradition is not a sufficient enough explanation. For many college women, it is not only awkward if a man pulls out their chair during a business interview, it is patronizing and offensive. If a woman can’t freely sit in her own chair without a man coming to her aid, how is she supposed to apply for a professional leadership position? “Ladies” should be polite, not submissive.
Kindergarteners comprehend this, and so should we. It’s one thing to encourage men to act gentlemanly on a date; it is quite another thing to teach men that they are required to “escort” women to their seats when dining in business environments. Such old-fashioned mannerisms may seem harmless but nonetheless reinforce ever-prevalent stereotypes of women’s inferiority.
Motivated female students already know they face an uphill battle to rise to the top in professional careers, and it’s unhelpful and inappropriate for our university to reinforce stereotypes detrimental to women’s success in the business world. In a persistently male-run society, women at our university need a little more help learning to politely kick butt.
— Alison Kieler for the editorial board.
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Comments
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
Men do this as a way to keep women in a subordinate position. For example, when men open doors for their gender counterparts, they are not showing them respect or kindness, but instead baby them. It is saying that women cannot do anything for themselves, thus men have to do all these things and take care of them. For women to let this happen, they are perpetuating the stereotype that women are inferior. They should stop.
To address the issue of getting up when a women stands up, men should instead stay seated because it would be more respectful to do so. This would show that they are equated on the level of men, and that is how it should be.
Inherent sexist practice must stop, and women must be treated equally with men. That would mean language usage must be change. Instead of saying guy and girl, one should say guy and gal or revert to boy and girl.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
Alison, you are 100% right. Men are always defending themselves when they use this behavior by saying, "We're doing it out of respect."
What would really be respectful is if men would listen to all of the women when they say "I'm offended when you open the door for me all the time and when you call me 'Mrs.'"
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
I am a male business etiquette consultant (The Executive Protocol Group, Naples FL) who has facilitated numerous seminars for Fortune 500 companies. I must advise Ms. Kieler that the "dinner director" who advised the KU students that in business situations men should rise when a woman comes to or leaves the table, and, a man should hold out the chair for the woman when seating was in error.
Business etiquette is "gender-neutral" and women and men are to be treated the same.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
This is just obnoxious. You are lending intent with action. You have know idea as to why a person behaves the way they do. While I agree that you should make every attempt to make someone comfortable with the situation, it is important to remember that being treated fairly and equally are two different things.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
I don't believe that men open doors for women "to keep them in a subordinate position." That's garbage. It's opinions like this that make people feel like being a feminist is a bad thing. Please. People hold doors open for others, regardless of gender, out of courtesy, not "to keep them in a subordinate position." Maybe you were just being sarcastic, but it's out of politeness, not sexism.
Also, I wish I didn't have to wear a panty hose or closed toe shoes at work all the time either, but short of losing my job, I don't have much choice because I work at a very conservative company. Maybe if other women before me hadn't worn short skirts or stripper-esque shoes to work before me, then this rule wouldn't exist.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
Oh, I'm a woman also and I open or hold doors for men all the time. I'd hope that anyone directly in front of me, male or female, would do the same. To imply it's anything more than politeness is self-righteous.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
As an etiquette coach and trainer to Fortune 500 companies for over 18 years(www.etiquetteinternational.com), as an author (At Ease...Professionally, Bonus Books) and as a founding member of ISPEP (www.ispep.org), I concur with Ms. Kieler and with psiddle. Business etiquette is gender-neutral. And, I applaud snood for holding doors for men and women.
Unfortunately, what Ms. Kieler experienced was traditional social etiquette, based on chivalry, and it has no place in the workplace where men and women should be treated equally, with respect. To disseminate misinformation about appropriate business behavior does a disservice to the students who attended the dinner and adds to the confusion about what is and is not acceptable in business.
Editorial: Etiquette inherently sexist
I must admit that I am but stunned and appalled at the disregard for conventional manners and conduct. The core issue which I find with this argument is the belief that men and women are the same and should be treated as such. While modern political correctness would tell us that this is the case biological, psychological, and evolutionary facts would point to the contrary. Physically speaking shocker women are weaker. Holding doors and other such actions are gestures--courtesies men extend to women not because they believe women are incapable of opening a door, but because it is a strength which they elect to put into a woman's service. Young women must realize that men today are walking a tight rope. Be nice or be cold. Extend gestures of courteously or disregard their existence. So unless you want all men to be distant and timid allow the man to open the door for you or stand up if you're leaving the table; it's his way of showing respect much as he might joke or slap the shoulder of his male friend. Allowing someone to express their respect for you is never patronizing.
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