Thursday, March 8, 2007
College students spend a lot of time studying the ideas of old philosophers whose genius is said to endure. But if guys like Locke and Rousseau were so smart, why are they still dead? In the two centuries since they drew their last breaths, society has changed like a caterpillar going through chrysalis. The happy-go-lucky days of citizens forging a social contract are gone, replaced by the angry-for-no-reason age of modernity, where everyone is a potential member of an enraged mob, only needing direction.
Who will lead that mob? Who will unleash its latent energy by supplying the half-baked ideas around which its anger can coalesce? Allow me to humbly submit, for your consideration, my name.
nutgraf
When I drive through a stale yellow light and notice in my rear-view mirror three more cars following me, I know those drivers are ready for the final step in my philosophy.
Why not me? I’ve got what it takes to build a philosophy with real-life usefulness. First of all, you need to find an outlet for your seething rage. Pick something you don’t understand too well, then allow your anger to feed off your fear of the unknown. Now try to blame everything on this shibboleth. Is it too hot? That’s global warming for you. Is it too cold? That, also, is global warming. When your parents ask about your plummeting GPA, blame that on global warming, too.
Give it a try. For starters, is it George Bush’s fault you got a parking ticket? If you don’t think so, try harder. With enough effort, it can be his fault that you’re so ugly.
That’s right, I called you ugly. Work with it! Allow your anger to affect your sentence structure. Work up some spittle. If a conversation partner four feet away doesn’t get it right in the eye, you’re holding too much in.
Once your anger has metastasized, lawlessness is not far away. Once the exclusive realm of NCAA Division 1 sports teams, illegality is rapidly becoming increasingly commonplace. Once you feel everything is a personal affront, following laws becomes a sign of weakness. When I drive through a stale yellow light and notice in my rear-view mirror three more cars following me, I know those drivers are ready for the final step in my philosophy.
The capstone of my program is craziness. “But exactly how crazy?” you might ask. Just the other day I was walking into Strong Hall and a woman was walking toward me. She was well-proportioned and six feet tall. My brain said to me, “If you were stranded on an island with a group of people, that’s the type you would want to kill and eat first.” As crazy as that may be, I knew I had merely scratched the surface.
My philosophy will soon have us all as crazy as celebrities. And in today’s world, that’s much more useful than Locke or Rousseau will ever be.
Minster is a Lawrence junior in economics.
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Comments
Minster: Follow my philosophy
Um, didn't this run yesterday?
Minster: Follow my philosophy
Next time, you decide to take time out of your day to be a sarcastic a**hole, try encouraging people to think on there own. Why don’t you be helpful and suggest that people study the things they do not understand? Why sarcastically encourage people to be blindfolded ants, without opinions or information? If people have a problem with global warming, you could suggest ways to take care of the environment. To be completely honest, if we would spend some of the astronomical amounts of money we spend on war, on things like famine, devastation, and our environment, the world would be a healthy & vibrant place to live for everyone. If we do not start taking care of earth, she will clean herself, regardless, of when that may happen. We have enough conformity and herds of blind folded sheep running around
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