Friday, March 9, 2007
I hereby announce my candidacy for president of the United States of America. Let the media swarm me like tornadic winds to your mobile home community.
I am a beacon of light, a glimmer of hope, a lover, not a fighter. I embody the ideals of bleeding-heart conservatism and compassionate liberalism put forth by Ronald Reagan, Franklin D. Roosevelt and our founding fathers.
I have been told that I “look presidential,” something of a cross between JFK and Abraham Lincoln. My soft yet angular features do little to conceal a fierce dignity and humble patriotism. Though my profile may not be instantly recognizable, perhaps you will know it well by the time it is featured on a 15-cent piece, or a $25 bill.
nutgraf
I embody the ideals of bleeding-heart conservatism and compassionate liberalism put forth by Ronald Reagan, Franklin D. Roosevelt and our founding fathers.
Henceforth, I will run a campaign based on grass-roots support generated through You-Tube videos, Facebook groups, and certified Bracketology. The bracketologists project that I will be a 15-seed, but I’m told that occasionally these teams upset 2-seeds.
The excessive corporate contributions corrupting our political system will play no role in my campaign. I will take these countless millions which I have so graciously received and invest them in the American people and forgotten Internet stocks.
My political platform is built on a strong foundation, and has a ladder leading up to the top. I will climb this ladder and announce where I stand on the important issues.
I will fight for tax cuts for the rich, made possible by a minimum wage increase and expansion of our welfare programs. The gratuitous amounts of money gained by our CEOs through my tax cuts will trickle down a mountain of prosperity, becoming a gushing river that feeds into a crystal-clear lake at the base of the mountain, where the poor will bathe in its sanctifying waters.
I ensure another announcement of victory in Iraq, Afghanistan and all the other sand-covered nations our military may have invaded. However, I guarantee the instant and total withdrawal of troops from the glorious screw-up of my reviled predecessor.
As commander-in-chief, I will be a staunch defender of American culture. I will keep “Grey’s Anatomy” on the air, appear simultaneously on the “Colbert Report” and the “O’Reilly Factor,” and make sure Natalie Portman does not shave her head in “V for Vendetta II.” Because the youths of this country are so important to me, you may even see me at an “emu” concert.
My political views are informed by both my staunch religious faith and my firm belief in the separation of church and state. I will march for the homosexual rights movement under a rainbow banner, and I will advocate a constitutional amendment to stop the gay marriage epidemic.
I will support a woman’s right to choose while defending a culture of life. No babies will be killed on my watch, unless they commit a crime worthy of capital punishment.
Handguns for everyone! Except for convicted criminals, or those with criminal inclinations. That’s my new gun control slogan.
Hey, you up in that tree, that’s a smart-looking rifle you’ve got there. Is that a silencer on the barrel? Hey, why do you have it pointed at me? Does my hair look OK through that scope? Take your hand off the trigger, my boy, and come share in my vision for America.
Snider is a Mulvane junior in chemical engineering.
Former KU student wins cartoonist award
Charles M. Schulz Award comes with $10,000 prize.
Letter: Media overlooked Lincoln
More attention should have been paid to the 16th president's 200th birthday.
Recession needs new definition
A look at what the word "recession" really means in America.
Students, residents gather to view “The Day ...
Actor, director and producer answer questions about 25-year-old film, “The Day After”.
Snyder contest displays books and life
An exhibit demonstrates how a collection of books can reflect a lifestyle.
Kansas football opener will have instant replay
Say you wanna revolution?
Saha: Some of the classes we call ...
Even though it may be fun to bitch and moan, extra outside ...
Nichols: Benefits of child labor
There are upsides to getting an early start on your career.
Ho: Expressions of love hit cultural barrier
For Chinese, actions speak louder than words
Show raises money for abused women
The “Genius of Women” show showcased local in an effort to raise ...
White: False promises undress future modeling career
I could have been the second coming of Markie Mark.
Simon: No place like home, even if ...
On Kansas Day, remember what makes our state great.
This one time, at summer camp...I wrote ...
Stay connected to family and friends — summer camp style.
Kevin Harlan’s early talent opened doors
Allen Fieldhouse and ‘this beautiful campus’ convince the Wisconsin kid to attend ...
Homeless Family Program focuses on keeping kids ...
The Lawrence Homeless Shelter is filling up rapidly with families looking for ...
Robinson: Learn from past economic failures
Country should avoid depression-era mistakes.
De Oliveira: In defense of taking vacations
After graduation, students can look forward to long work days with little ...
Shouting protesters no better than Ann Coulter’s ...
Ringing in the New Year
Listen: Hot Hot Heat, Elevator
Students compete in lax poetry contest
An open forum at the Kansas Union provides poets the opportunity to ...
Brinker: GOP scrambles for candidate
Gingrich still looks strong but will fade in the polls.
Touchdown
How To Plan a Perfect Tailgate
Snider: Human interaction missing
In today's world of e-mail, pay at the pump stations and self-checkouts, ...
Obama's message resonates with middle class
President Barack Obama's speech in Osawatomie was similar to President Teddy Roosevelt's ...
Speakers share their memories of Reagan
Obama delivers speech in Osawatomie
The President's speech focused on income inequality and a fairer tax code.
Kansas on my mind
Simmermon: It’s a bad day when you ...
Lots of people who live here feel invincible, like they can walk ...
Q&A: Cisco Adler
Because we have questions. Celebrities have answers.
Humorous write-ins fill ballots
Many students voted "other" in last week's Student Senate election. Mario Chalmers ...
Smith: Deciding between democrat and republican, still
Sharing a bathroom with presidential hopeful makes case for staying independent.
Kenny: Students can define Senate
John Kenny responds to a recent Kansan editorial.
Editor's Note
Special Sections editor Francesca Chambers shares her feelings about "Sex on the ...
Letter to the editor: Respect your sports ...
Some fans weren't too graceful to Mizzou fans after the big win ...
Next to Normal
Aliza Chudnow is learning to let go of her resentment and to ...
Catch of the Week: Ibrahim Berro
A weekly peek at a fish in the KU sea.
Most influential American’ will be revealed Tuesday
In an event sponsored by Lewis and Templin residence halls, students can ...
From left: Kimberlee Hinkle, Libby Johnson and Hannah ...
1 comment
Kansas Jayhawk fans hold aloft a reproduction of ...
2 comments
Erin Saupe, a Ph.D. student from St. Cloud, ...
1 comment
0 comments
Armed robbers continue to threaten.
3 comments
Lecture from Greg Mortenson, co-author of New York ...
0 comments
Comments
Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.
Sign in to comment
Or login with:
OpenID