With St. Patrick’s Day on the horizon, many of you non-Irish are probably worrying about how to live up to the task of being Irish for a day. Never fear, for I, Kansan columnist and experienced Irishman, am here to teach you the basics.

I know what you’re thinking — what else is there to being Irish than drinking Guinness and fighting in bars?

First of all, we fight in pubs. Note the important lexical distinction and experience the difference. The Red Lyon Tavern, 944 Massachusetts St., boasts a pub-like atmosphere, only it’s clean and well-lit.

What? You thought we’d take our business to The Hawk?

Secondly, we drink a lot of whiskey, too. And our expanded beer choices include Harp, Killian’s, Murphy’s Irish Stout and Erin’s Rock, which boasts a picture of 11th-century king and my namesake, Brian Boru, right on the bottle. Think of me while you drink it.

If you’re up to the challenge, here are 10 steps to a more Irish you.

1. Familiarize yourself with the unique geography of the island. Ireland is actually split up into two different countries – the Republic of Ireland, which I like to call Ireland Classic, and Northern Ireland, which is ruled by Great Britain and can be thought of as Diet Ireland.

2. Catholic? Protestant? Pick a side. Catholics are the majority in the Republic of Ireland while the Protestants live mostly up north. Ireland has been the center of bloody religious and political tensions for centuries, so choose carefully.

3. If you chose the Republic of Ireland, learn to hate England. Curse the Queen. Fly the Union Jack upside down – it’ll look the same but only you’ll know the defiance underneath, because when it comes to imperialistic takeovers, nobody’s worse than England.

However, if you chose Northern Ireland, accept the British Empire and go see “The Queen.” I hear Helen Mirren is bloody brilliant. Also, some Northern Irish wear orange on Saint Patrick’s Day, so be prepared to be pinched a lot.

4. Eat a lot of potatoes.

5. Watch “The Black Donnelly’s” tonight at 9 after “Heroes” on NBC. The series premiered two weeks ago to much acclaim by yours truly. You can download the first episode free on iTunes. Afterwards try a marathon of movies like 2007 Academy Award best picture “The Departed,” cult favorite “Boondock Saints” and the star-studded “Sleepers.”

6. Read James Joyce.

7. Buy an Irish flag to hang in your house or dorm room. Everyone who enters will appreciate and be fooled by the pride in your “heritage.”

8. Go to the parade at 1 p.m. Saturday on Massachusetts Street. Although it’s not as grand as the century-and-a-half-long celebration in Kansas City, last year it had a dog that was shaved and dyed to look like a dragon. And that’s pretty cool.

9. Blather with your skins, or friends, about your weekend shenanigans with some handy Irish slang. For instance, if you were out of condoms when you met that girl with questionable morals at the bar, say “I was getting pissed up at the pub when I met a scrubber, but realized I was out of johnnies.” Check out irishslang.co.za for more.

10. Check out Notre Dame football Internet message boards. Who will take the helm of the offense after losing Brady Quinn to graduation? Will Charlie Weis win his malpractice lawsuit? Is “Rudy” the all-time greatest sports movie ever?

Unfortunately I have no advice on how to make your skin pale and freckly overnight, and dying your hair red for a day may be drastic. But taking these steps will certainly get you started. I won’t advocate bar violence, but if you want to, because everybody else will be doing it, you can be stereotypical and stock up on Guinness.

Ervin is a junior in theatre and film and psychology.