To our neighbors who just put up their K-State flag: That’s going to get burned down.

Bobby Knight, please don’t hurt me!

Did you know that it costs 16 cents more to buy a bag of chips in the Underground than it does to buy them out of the vending machine?

To whoever pulled the fire alarm in Budig: Thank you. I was hammered and couldn’t take that class anymore.

Free-for-All, we were just riding down 6th Street, and there was a 40 year old guy with a pacifier in his mouth!

Free-for-All, I’m gassy. I think I ate too much sushi.

I hate when a girl will eat an M&M off the floor, but she won’t give me a blow job.

Free-for-All, the person who is driving me is drunk. Is this a bad idea?

Free-for-All, Gumby’s wouldn’t answer, so we called you. Can we get a Big Ass?

Free-for-All, you’re a good friend. You answer your phone, even if it’s 2:00 a.m.

I’m pretty sure my roommate just peed for two minutes straight. Wow.

Hey Free-for-All, I just proved that violence is the answer! My iPod was broken. The tech guys couldn’t even fix it. I hit it a couple of times, and now it works again! Yay!

Dude, I saw you pick that up and eat it, and I can’t believe you did it! It wasn’t a candy bar. I was walking my dog! Oh man.

Dear Free-for-All, I just wanted to let you know that I s... Nevermind.

Yeah. I just came.

I don’t know which is worse, Spangles commercials or Phillips 66 commercials.

Mmm, Mangino is back.

I want to see a tarantula rock out! That sounds awesome.

I think we’ll get Spangles to go away when they open up a Whataburger in Lawrence, and they really need to open a Whataburger in Lawrence. If we have ads for Whataburger, we need a Whataburger.

How do you get the scissors out of the package?

I think I just saw a six-foot bunny rabbit walking down Mass Street.

Hey Free-for-All, I’m getting drunk in the dorms. Does that make you want to make out with me?

Why can’t Mrs. E’s just have the catfish strips every night?

Jesus Christ, don’t tell me Spangles is taking over radio commercials, too?

He’ll save children, but not the British children.

I am a man, and I have a vagina.

I’m so glad the Rock Chalk Revue judges picked racist shows to win.

I just went to the Lied Center to pick my car up, and I found a whole case of Boulevard Wheat just sitting there, waiting for me! Merry Christmas to me.

I don’t care about Kevin Durant’s freaking mom!

My name is Sherron Collins, and I will split all defenses.

I would say this whether I was drunk or not. Eddie Izzard is my favorite transvestite comedian. I don’t even care that he wears lipstick. He’s just too hot.

That’s it, I’m going zebra hunting.

Robinson. He’ll save the children, but not the Longhorn children.

I demand a Florida-style recount why K-State isn’t in the NCAA Tournament.

Only Spangles can piss you off after KU wins.

Thanks for a heart attack, KU basketball.

Good for you, Dick Vitale. You’re the only analyst that’s not full of themselves.

I just saw Bill Self dancing in the Boom Boom Room.

Most celebrities walk on red carpet, but Brandon Rush walks on toilet paper, because he’s the shit.

My now-ex boyfriend is a cheating whore, and he deserves to get a messy, sloppy, goopy STD.

Hey Free-for-All, I am a member of the University of Kansas basketball band. We are on the side of the road, twenty minutes outside of Lawrence, and our bus has run out of gas, but we are still Big 12 champs!

I definitely flashed some strangers while I was drunk the other night at Lewis. Sorry.

Free-for-All, this is the kid that called and said Julian Wright is sexual chocolate. I appreciate your cartoon, and I just fell all the way down the Anschutz staircase.

You want to know what’s really sexy? Joe College actually opening up on time.

Is it wrong that I took 20 Daily Kansans for the free Vault drink coupon?

Murphy Hall, I love you, but for some reason you’re starting to smell like a Johnny on the Spot.

The power went out in Marvin Hall, again. Lew Perkins, stop taking money that does not belong to you.

Free-for-All, this is the tenth time I’ve called you, and I still haven’t gotten inside you. Are you seeing somebody else?

To the person who said that Budig is the best place to take a dump: You obviously haven’t crapped on the fifth floor of the Union. It’s private and glorious.