Donald Duck just bit my friend’s fricking ear! I’m not sure how it happened. He came out of nowhere.

Dear CBS, I don’t know care how much KU is winning by. If you ever switch games before they are done playing again, I will hunt you down, and when I am through with you, you will cry.

Free for All, we just drove through North Carolina, and there was a gated trailer park. Only in North Carolina. Hope you’re having fun there, Roy.

Chuck Norris is the only person who could roundhouse kick you in the back of the face.

I just farted and lifted up my skirt to see if it smelled bad.

That commercial about the Pontiac driver who is a Kansas fan is total bullshit.

There is no love for Kansas in Illinois. They’re delusional! People think that Illinois is going to the Championship! They don’t know what they’re talking about.

It’s like a fucking Ironman, except Jewish, and it’s crazy.

Free for All, I just called Safe Ride from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and they wouldn’t come to get me, and I’m wasted.

I’d like to announce that we are officially starting our grassroots campaign to ask Julian Wright to grow his hair out into a large Dr. J-style free throw. Err, afro. (Laughing in the background) We will provide the red, white, and blue headband.

To whoever left that full bottle of Southern Comfort on the side of the road: Thank you!

To the guy who stole my virginity: Stop being a fucking child. No, I mean, effing child, and call me back.

Free for All, listen to this, the ocean (ocean noise).

I’m in Panama City, Florida, for Spring Break, and I’m definitely not coming back to Kansas. Sorry, but I’m dropping out of school.

Rachel loves it when I go down on her.

How does Mary feel about a Christian converting to Judaism? How does Mary feel?

I’m bored, it’s one in the morning. Spring Break, nobody’s here, shoot me now.

Free for All not available? I’m sitting here at Burger King, and I felt like calling in, and you’re not available? W-T-F?

Hi Free for All. It’s 4:00 a.m., I’ve been driving down the interstate since 2:00 a.m., I still have an hour left until I get to the Kansas City airport, and I’m falling asleep, and I need someone to keep me company. Will you talk to me, Free for All?

We’re down in Panama City, repping KU, and I’m at the clubs, and if I hear the O-H-I-O chant again, I’m going to O-H-shoot myself in the damn head.

Free for All, today I drove to Arkansas, and I missed the game. I don’t know what’s wrong with Arkansas, but there are no TVs or nothing, and I couldn’t get anyone to tell me the score. Needless to say, I’m not going to Arkansas anymore.

I really, really, really miss Lawrence. Spring Break is lame. I want to go back. KU is winning right now, so that’s all that matters.

What do you do with a drunken sailor? Slap him in the face.

You guys fucking suck for saying “not available.” I just want to say Peru rules every other country, and KU basketball is awesome.

First of all, next to 300, Ninja Turtles is the dumbest movie imaginable. Straight ninja shit. Second of all, I just got rum up my nose. It burns.

Spring Break checklist: Take a piss on campus while tripping on acid. Check!

We just wanted to say congratulations to Miss Kansas for getting into the top five in the Miss USA pageant. Cool beans, man. Cool beans.

I called Safe Ride, and they didn’t answer the phone. How is that helping the students?

Girls, you better start running if your ex-boyfriend asks to lick your asshole. But if he’s a new boyfriend, go ahead! Be curious!

Jessica Simpson does ProActive commercials for the bumps on her face, because she’s too stupid to tell Nick to stop blowing his load on her.

So do I have a better chance of getting a blowjob if my penis is M&M green or M&M blue?

I am pretty sure that Julian Wright should not be dribbling the ball.

Hit your fucking free throw!

It’s my fault. I should have never came to KU.

While I’m relaxing this summer, KU should be doing layup drills until they drop.

It always sucks when Spring Break is over, but I have to thank Kansas for making the end of Spring Break even worse this year.

I’m just wondering when our basketball team turned into our football team. Man, they suck.

Fuck!

I hope Mario Chalmers is able to retire, because he had to make at least 200 large off of throwing that game. Way to go and put your money on UCLA when everybody in the whole school roots on you. Way to go, Mario!

Player of the game: Athletic trainers, for spending the whole game giving our players the Heimlich maneuver for choking so badly. Perhaps we should go back to doing layup drills.

I passed Buffalo Wild Wings as KU lost the game. I’m pretty sure it’s been blown up.

Bill Self should be fired.

I really, really thought in my heart that we were going to the Final Four, and now it’s just like having a broken heart.

Fuck!

Guys, I was born the day after KU won the National Championship, and they will never win as long as I’m alive, I’ve determined. So tonight, I’m sacrificing myself for all you KU fans. I hope KU wins next year. Goodbye.

I just want to say congratulations to the Jayhawks. Elite Eight is still a great performance. Congratulations guys, what a great season. Thanks.

I just saw a U-Haul with racing stripes. That’s just awesome.

I’m driving back to Lawrence at the end of the Spring Break, and I just wanted to thank the Kansas basketball team for a phenomenal year. It’s a shame it had to end the way that it did, but Rock Chalk, and I can’t wait until next year. Thanks for everything.

Don’t drink the water in Mexico. Don’t ask me how I know.