With the spring season and the reëmergence of bikini clad beauties it is worthy to highlight the college ritual of the “spring mating call.” As the hibernation of winter wears off and hormones unthaw, some guidance may be needed to “get back on the bike.” For men this is the pinnacle time of year when fake tans and short skirts never looked so good.

Disclaimer: For some of you the effects of spring break may have given you an extra edge of confidence for this season’s chase. Unfortunately, South Padre does not count as a valid confidence boost: She was under the influence of a heavy Vitamin E overdose and alcohol, not your smooth antics or seemingly charming drunken perspectives on all things trendy. However, I applaud your success and can only hope you take the antibiotics as directed.

For the rest of the male population that truly finds this season to be frightful and, like previous seasons, unsuccessful, I pity you. That aside I am here to lay down some simple guidelines to aid you in this year’s pursuit of the illustrious campus beauty. I’m no “pimp,” “player,” “dating guru” or “self-proclaimed prophet,” so results may vary and I by no means can be held responsible for commonly heard phrases that resemble “not in your lifetime,” “you wish,” and “don’t ever talk to me again.”

Take heed of the suggestions below and the depressing effects of loneliness should fade.

Guideline one: If you find yourself locking eyes with a pretty princess do not by any means look away. Muster up some confidence — you stud — and flash a smile. Women don’t need to be reminded of high school and the awkward notion that you are still a boy. Confidence is key, even if you have to pretend.

Guideline two: Once you actually make the conscience effort to talk to a female — alcohol consumption is an optional aid — anything other then saying hello and introducing yourself is not allowed. The time for pick-up lines about angels and beautiful eyes has passed. We are evolving creatures; lets not regress.

Guideline three: When out at a local drinking establishment by no means get sucked into the soothing siren sound of “will you buy me a drink?” I cannot emphasize this enough. No, she doesn’t like you; it’s the Jacksons in your wallet that are appealing. The opposite sex are cunning creatures, but be aware of their bar tactics and you may end up getting home with more than just a severe case of blue balls.

Guideline four: Comedy sells. Everyone loves to laugh. Ever notice the fat kid that some beauties just flock to? While you sit in the corner salivating, chubster is charming the masses with his whit and humorous banter. Take notes. Watch some stand-ups: Dave Chappelle, Dane Cook, Chris Rock, but not Bill Cosby. Comedy is a great ice-breaker.

Guideline five: This last guideline highlights why most chases end in a flame of embarrassing glory. Ever seen Swingers? If not, bitch-slap yourself and rent it tonight. Notice the scene when Jon decides to call a potential catch too quick and chats way too long on her answering machine. Smooth move. Beware of the “I’m desperate for you” approach. Keep some dignity and wait a few days to call.

I leave you with these five simple guidelines. Remember they are guidelines, not fundamental truths for marrying a 12 on the Richter scale. Consider these baby steps, you can’t run without first learning to walk awkwardly at first. I suggest you also read the “The Little Engine that Could” by Watty Piper for emotional inspiration. Good luck hunting this season gentlemen.

Zachariah Smith

Dumfries, Virginia senior