1. Health officials find rat poison in the pet food blamed for the deaths of cats and dogs across the country. Osama bin Laden released a videotape claiming responsibility for the pet deaths, saying, “An American man’s best friend is an Al Qaeda man’s best enemy and deserves the same death as their infidel masters.”

2. A Republican state senator in Texas proposes that pregnant women considering an abortion should be offered $500 to not end their pregnancies. In related news, every pregnant woman in Texas is now reportedly considering having an abortion.

3. California state insurance regulators fine Blue Cross, the state’s largest healthcare provider, $1 million amid findings that the company regularly dropped policyholders after they became sick or pregnant. In Blue Cross’s defense, they had to cut costs somehow to be able to pay for premium policy-holder Paris Hilton’s increasingly expensive Valtrex prescription.

4. The number of permits issued to carry concealed weapons has doubled in New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina, despite the city losing half its population. The increased gun ownership prompted the NRA to call New Orleans “a rousing American success story” and to call for the flooding of every major American city.

5. The Berlin Zoo unveils its new polar bear cub, Knut, to the public. Animal activists claim that Knut, who was abandoned by his mother, should have been left in the wild to die, which is the exact same argument I made concerning both of the Spears-Federline babies.

6. Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards vows to continue his campaign despite the reemergence of his wife’s cancer. Political analysts were lukewarm towards Edward’s bold anti-cancer stance and speculated it could cost him in the polls. amongst pro-cancer primary voters.

7. France officially opens up their “UFO Files,” a web site that documents more than 1,600 reported UFO sightings over the past five decades. The French term for UFO is actually “CGV,” which stands for croissant géant de vol, or “giant flying croissant.”

8. Iran captures and interrogates 15 British sailors after accusing them of illegally sailing through Iranian waters. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, the Iranians have refused to release the soldiers until Great Britain promises to turn over the “fission chips” the sailors repeatedly referred to during the interrogations.

9. An autopsy of Anna Nicole Smith confirms that she died from an accidental drug overdose. This is the least surprising celebrity autopsy report since L.A. police confirmed that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman died from O.J. Simpson-inflicted injuries.

10. KU loses to UCLA in the Elite Eight. I don’t know what hurts more, another tournament loss for KU or sitting through an entire episode of Grey’s Anatomy.