Friday, March 30, 2007
We at the Editorial Board are deeply troubled by conflict, and right now there is a disturbing surplus of such in the news.
Okay, you web critics are right: we don’t really read the news. But we hear things when we wander by the News Desk, and they don’t sound good. Apparently there are conflicts in places like Iraq, Afghanistan, and someplace called “Israel.” Or maybe it’s called “Palestine.” Honestly, we don’t care.
How reassuring for us, then, to learn that the only conflict that really matters has been settled. No, not the centuries-long feud between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland — God can work that one out. We refer, of course, to the laying down of verbal arms between Marshal Bruce Mathers III and Kim, his estranged wife.
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O! how the feud has torn the Motor City asunder! Citizens of the much-maligned 313 stood by helplessly as the two lobbed barrages of insults at each other, each scathed by mortars of vitriol and grenades of hate.
For too long, this conflict has gone unresolved. While presidents and prime ministers dispatched envoys to far-flung regions, this blood feud and marital discord went on unfettered. Fans suffered through the musical and talk radio-based lamentations of this unraveled love.
But what it took, at long last, was an agreement between the two parties that the welfare of their daughter, who has doubtless been protected from the rap culture thus far, trumped all else .
O! how the feud has torn the Motor City asunder! Citizens of the much-maligned 313 stood by helplessly as the two lobbed barrages of insults at each other, each scathed by mortars of vitriol and grenades of hate. Figurative bullets of outrage flew at rap battles from Flint to Ypsilanti, as the two sides resorted to increasingly gruesome imagery in their war of lyrical attrition.
But now, at long last, the dispute comes to its merciful end, and the city of Detroit returns its attention to its booming auto industry. Now comes the time to follow their lead — we must, as a nation, move on from this dark chapter that has pushed all other issues from our consciousness.
Hear our words, Ahmadinejad! Bush and al-Maliki, take heed! No longer will the petty disputes of foreign wars, having long taken the backseat to the concerns of the Mathers clan, be allowed to carry on unresolved. If these two can reconcile, surely any Sunni and Shiite can find common ground.
No longer will we remain silent. The inspirational actions of Mathers and his wife are too momentous, too fraught with diplomatic mastery to not serve as a blueprint for future peace. While we call upon world leaders to settle their comparatively trivial differences, we cherish the peace that has at long last settled over the Mathers household.
What’s that? You say Mathers is still feuding with his mother?
All hope is lost. God help us.
— McKay “$20 word” Stangler, for the editorial board.
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Editorial: Will the real Slim Shady please shut up
Now, really, what could be more fun than April Fool's Day on the staff of a college newspaper?
Cute, funny. When McKay Stangler writes an article that doesn't make any sense, you've got half the proof you need that it's Joke Day at the Kansan........
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