1. Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is sentenced to 35 days in jail after pleading guilty to contempt of court. Instead of drunk coeds dancing and dropping their tops on bar counters, Mr. Francis will become intimately involved with angry felons dropping his soap behind bars. Boys gone wild, indeed.

2. David Huckabee, son of Republican presidential candidate and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, is arrested after bringing a loaded pistol into a Little Rock, Ark., airport. Huckabee pleaded with airport security to “be vewy, vewy quiet,” claiming he was simply “hunting wabbits.”

3. Randall Tobias, the head of the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), resigns after rumors surface of his involvement with a Washington, D.C., prostitution ring. Some of Tobias’ duties as head of USAID were to promote abstinence from pre- and extramarital sex and to have applicants for foreign aid sign a promise that they weren’t involved in prostitution. That’s not a joke.

4. A new study finds that there is no correlation between intelligence and wealth. “Study” is just a nice way of saying Biography of Paris Hilton.

5. Drew Barrymore inexplicably tops People Magazine’s “100 Most Beautiful People” list. Either Scarlett Johansson changed her name to Drew Barrymore or the editors at People have been dipping into the funny stuff.

6. Actor Hugh Grant is arrested by London police after allegedly attacking a photographer with a tub of baked beans. London authorities are calling it the most delicious celebrity assault case they’ve ever dealt with.

7. A new Russian study confirms that alcohol damages women’s brains more quickly than men’s. Just another piece of evidence to help explain the soul-crushing popularity of Grey’s Anatomy.

8. Rosie O’Donnell announces that she is leaving The View in June.Rumors of a “Farewell to The View”-themed O’Donnell Playboy pictorial are at this time unconfirmed.

9. Veteran Los Angeles sports writer Mike Penner reveals in his column that he is a transsexual. The revelation came as quite a shock to Penner’s readers, who mistook the title of his column, “Cutting Down the Nuts,” to be a simple misprint.

10. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs reaches a settlement that will allow the Wiccan pentacle to appear on the headstones of fallen soldiers. The VA stipulated, however, that if a single fallen soldier becomes an undead zombie fueled by Satan’s fury and starving for human flesh, the deal is off.