I just saw a guy walk out of the Underground barefoot. I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed?

I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

It’s really fun to umm... I forgot what I was going to say.

To the person who gave away the end of Spider-Man: Eff you. And by the way, if you haven’t seen Titanic, it sinks.

There’s a pigeon who is sitting on my girlfriend who is a flamingo.

What the mashed potatoes is going on around here?

You think Harry Osborne dying is bad? Snape kills Dumbledore!

Free for All is good.

There’s a giant snapping turtle in the Park & Ride parking lot, and it’s going to eat everyone. Everyone!

To the person that said the ending of Spider-Man 3: I hope you get a raging case of genital herpes.

Free for All, if it’s wrong to make fun of queers and fat people, isn’t it also wrong to make fun of flocks of older women?

To the girl who randomly explained the intricacies of government refund checks for taxes to me this weekend while at the ATM at Hy-Vee: I definitely got my check in the mail. Thanks for the help that wasn’t really needed. You’re going to make a great wife, someday.

I’m pretty sure I’m being pulled over by a cop that cut me off without signalling.

To the three girls that just flashed me behind Strong: I now know that God wants me to have a good week.

Please, just call me when you’re sober.

Paul Simon is my hero!

To everybody who called about the flock of crows, alright, the murder of crows: Who cares?

To the whore who has had sex with four different people in the last six weeks: Maybe you want to make it five in seven? I’m not bringing much heat, but I’m easy and I’ve got stamina.

Jack Sparrow dies at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

Yeah, but calling a group of old women a murder just sounds creepy.

If quizzical is an adjective that describes quizzes, then what’s the adjective that describes tests?

I just saw a flock of crows. Yeah, I said it.

A murder of crows just tried to flock me.

To flock someone is to murder them using crows.

It was Colonel Mustard, in the library, with a crow.

I’d like to know if I can donate my differential tuition money to fixing the roads in Lawrence, because they suck.

Free for All, the sun is finally out! Come out and play!