White: Chimpanzee research should be encouraged

Thursday, November 1, 2007

This city is full of bumper stickers. Most are political and kind of harsh in a more purposeful way than the traditional “horn broken, watch for finger” kind of manner. But I saw one on a car in front of me on Lollipop Lane (Mississippi Street) that read, “Stop Chimpanzee Research.” This is a ridiculous imperative statement, and one that I cannot possibly imagine anyone wanting to support. Chimpanzees are intelligent, fascinating and pretty darn cute. I mean, who wouldn’t want to learn more about them?

If anything there should probably be more chimpanzee research. I would love to read about the little fellas. Especially if the information I was reading either had pictures of baby ones with dry pieces of grass in their fur with humorous quotes above their heads, or maybe a VHS tape of their adorable antics.

In fact, I would like to do some chimpanzee research firsthand. Then I could put diapers on them and hug them a lot. I could play with a baby, and teach him baseball. And then communicate with the parents to develop a relationship, in which I would be a wacky outsider somehow finding a place in their ape family and, in the end, bringing them closer together, like Sinbad in “Houseguest.”

I would like to feed a banana to a monkey. But chimpanzees aren’t monkeys. They are apes. I learned that in my chimpanzee research.

I do understand some people’s hesitance toward chimpanzee research. My friend Dan Barbuto hates chimpanzees. He is terribly afraid of them, though he is even more afraid of the hybrid humanzee.

If he found a chimpanzee somewhere, and he felt that he could take him, my friend would have no problem with killing it. But this seemingly irrational reaction seems to stem from his fear of anything that attacks the human race in science fiction films, like machines, or aliens or the Chinese.

But, aside from Dan in his apocalyptic Charlton Heston-inspired nightmares, who wouldn’t want to learn more about our genetic next door neighbors? It’s just good biological manners.

White is a Colorado Springs, Colo., junior in journalism.

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