Hawk Topics

By Chris Raine

Thursday, November 8, 2007

1. Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf declares “emergency rule”, suspends the constitution, replaces the nation’s chief justice, blacks out the media and deploys troops in the capitol.

For the record: Pakistan has a leader installed by coup d’etat, a stockpile of nuclear weapons, and is the likely hiding place of Osama bin Laden. Basically, it’s like Iraq in 2003, except this time our government would be telling the truth.

2. The Film and TV Writers guild goes on strike, potentially disrupting production on everything from late-night talk shows to soap operas.

Luckily for fans of “Grey’s Anatomy,” the mentally disabled chimps that write for the show were not allowed to join the Union, meaning production will continue unimpeded.

3. A Maryland court rules that the Topeka-based Phelps clan must pay $11 million in damages for inflicting emotional pain by protesting outside a soldier’s funeral.

While Phelps said the ruling stings, he’s solaced by knowing his work has changed so many minds on the important issue of just how much God hates fags, America, soldiers, and especially gay American soldiers.

4. Comedian Stephen Colbert is denied a spot on the presidential ballot by both the Republican and Democratic parties in South Carolina.

What’s most perplexing about this decision is Colbert isn’t treated as a serious presidential candidate but former “Law & Order” star Fred Thompson is.

5. Elderly shock jock Don Imus is set to return to the airwaves in December after an 8-month hiatus brought on by his on-air racist comments.

In what other country can a highly-successful, elderly white racist multimillionaire overcome such adversity? Don Imus, you are the American dream.

6. Vincent Margara, known as “Don Vito” on MTV’s show “Viva La Bam,” is convicted of two counts of sexual assault on a child.

As punishment, Margara will be locked in a room and forced to watch re-runs of “Viva La Bam.”

7. KU defeats Nebraska 76-39 in the homecoming football game, setting several records and keeping KU’s undefeated season alive.

And while KU was going 9-0 for the first time in a century, K-State lost to the worst team in the Big 12. Makes you believe that God exists after all.

8. Famous crooner Robert Goulet dies at the age of 73.

Now who’s going to mess with my stuff at 3 p.m.? Hey, hey, hey, Adios, Goulet.

9. Elvis Presley tops the Forbes list of Top Dead Celebrities, as the late star’s estate made almost $50 million in the last year.

Embarrassingly, Britney Spears made the list at No. 9, although her publicist insists that the tragic pop singer is still alive and well.

10. The preserved corpse of ancient boy-pharaoh King Tut is put on public display for the first time.

The exhibit has disturbingly become the number one destination spot for the necrophiliac-pedophile crowd, displacing the grave of murdered child model JonBenet Ramsey.

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