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Hawk topics

By Chris Raine

Thursday, November 15, 2007

1. China-made toys seized in Hong Kong are tested after scientists in Australia found that similar toys contained chemicals used in date-rape drugs.

Great, now how are parents supposed to get their kids to fall asleep?

2. A study shows that over one third of popular country songs contain references to drugs or alcohol, compared to just 14% of popular rock songs.

This makes perfect sense, considering the extreme intoxication is the only way to enjoy most country music.

3. Former NYC police chief and Rudy Guiliani protégé Bernard Kerik pleads not guilty to multiple felony corruption charges.

Guiliani expressed regret at supporting Kerik in the past, and promised that if he’s elected president, any future nominees for federal positions will most assuredly not get caught.

4. British scientists successfully create cloned embryos from adult monkeys, raising the prospect of the same procedure being used to make cloned human embryos.

If there’s one thing I learned from the new Star Wars trilogy, it’s that George Lucas is an overpaid douche lord that shouldn’t be allowed to make movies. The second thing I learned is that cloning people is bad.

5. A staffer for presidential candidate Hillary Clinton admits to planting questions during a town hall meeting in Iowa.

What made this incident even more embarrassing is that the planted questions all concerned Clinton’s striking new Donna Karan pantsuit, now on sale for $269.99!

6. Congress is prepared to pass a bill that would ban smoking in all federal buildings and would increase taxes on cigarettes by 61 cents a pack.

The increased tax revenue will go towards building an air-conditioned smoking patio in the back of the U.S. Capitol Building.

7. According to federal researchers, 21% of Americans smoke cigarettes, a percentage that has remained the same since 2004.

Coincidentally, the percentage of Americans that are “cool” has remained steady at approximately one fifth of the population.

8. Retired federal judge Michael Mukasey is sworn in as the nation’s 81st attorney general after narrowly winning Senate confirmation despite his controversial views on torture.

Thank God, because I don’t want to live in a country where merely supporting the use of torture to elicit information eliminates a man from running our Justice Department.

9. A new study shows that 1 out of 4 homeless people in the U.S. are war veterans.

Typical of the biased liberal media, this study fails to mention that nearly 75% of homeless Americans were never even part of the U.S. military.

10. KU football defeats Oklahoma State, moving to 10-0 for the first time since the 1899.

To celebrate, I partied like it was 1899, sitting at home alone, drinking cheap whiskey and complaining about President McKinley…which in all honesty, is how I spend most Saturday nights anyway.

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