1. KU loses to Mizzou 36-28 in the Border Showdown at Arrowhead Stadium.

Early sales reports show that “Big 12 North Champion” jean shorts are flying off the shelves across Missouri.

2. Bill Nye, best known for starring in the show “Bill Nye the Science Guy,” seeks a restraining order against his ex-fiance.

Nye claims his former lover attempted to kill him by replacing his baking soda with powdered anthrax, which, besides being a deadly bacterium, reacts very poorly with vinegar.

3. Facebook comes under attack by users because of its new marketing program that tracks users’ purchases and publicizes them for their friends to see.

I can’t believe Facebook would compromise my privacy like that! Now excuse me, I have to post 50 more photos of my friends and me getting wasted.

4. Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan blames President Bush and Vice President Cheney for misleading the public about leaking the identity of a CIA operative.

McClellan later placed most of the blame on his father for him becoming such a giant douche bag.

5. Music legend Neil Diamond reveals that the inspiration for his hit song “Sweet Caroline” was President John F. Kennedy’s daughter.

Diamond also revealed that he wrote down the words for his biggest hit using the blood of a hobo he murdered during a failed attempt to achieve an erection.

6. The American Society of Criminology names Detroit the most dangerous city in the United States, followed closely by St. Louis and nearby Flint.

Detroit officials claim that besides the frightening murder rate, staggering unemployment, crushing poverty and long, depressing winters, Detroit isn’t a half-bad place to call home.

7. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University and son of Christian evangelist Oral Roberts, resigns amid a financial scandal at the university.

I’m shocked that a man who solicited donations by screaming gibberish during church services was actually a conman.

8. Senator Trent Lott, the Senate’s No. 2 Republican, announces that he will retire at the end of the year despite having five years left in his term.

Lott’s absence will truly be felt, particularly by crooked, racist white Mississippians.

9. Linda Bollea, wife of pro wrestler and reality TV star Hulk Hogan, files for divorce after 24 years of marriage.

Bollea claims that after years of steroid abuse, the ring wasn’t the only place that the Hulk had to “fake it.”