1.Mark Anderson, a California dentist charged with sexual battery for fondling his female patients, claims that breast massages are an appropriate treatment for certain dental conditions.

Besides teeth-related breast massages, Anderson also offers his unorthodox versions of “fillings,” “root canals” and “whitenings.” All this and more from California’s top erotic dentist.

2.Aging pop star Madonna is reportedly close to leaving her longtime label TimeWarner and signing a $120 million deal with touring promoter Live Nation.

The deal will allow Madonna total freedom to pursue her much-anticipated “Sexty at Sixty” concert tour.

3.Authorities and witness say animal control workers in Puerto Rico seize dozens of pet dogs and cats from housing projects and hurl them off of a bridge to their deaths.

The workers were merely settling a bet on whether a cat would always land on its feet, even after the first bouncce.

4. President Bush chastises members of the House of Representatives for voting to acknowledge the deaths of 1.5 million Armenians nearly a century ago as an act of genocide, a definition opposed by the government of Turkey.

Bush quickly changed his mind on the issue after an assistant informed the president that Turkey doesn’t actually control the turkey market and thus can’t ruin Thanksgiving dinner.

5. A new report shows that workers who tend to the elderly, care for children and serve food and drinks suffer from the highest levels of depression.

The common theme among the three most depressing jobs? Most of the work involves cleaning up other people’s shit.

6. A report from the Lawrence Journal-World shows that Douglas County leads the state in alcohol sales, averaging $326/year per person in the county.

More alarming is the fact that if you eliminate minors from the study, the average money spent a year on booze actually decreases.

7. Former vice president Al Gore wins the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to spread awareness of man-made climate change.

Seeing Gore’s recent successes, President Bush announced plans to produce his own documentary, comprised mostly of funny animal clips and sports bloopers.

8. Rapper T.I. wins two BET Hip-Hop awards in absentia after being arrested on gun charges the night before the show.

Appropriately, T.I. won the awards for “Most Illegal Firearms” and “Most Likely to Violate Probation.”

9. Democrats suffer criticism after a party official suggests that staffers get immunized for several diseases before attending a NASCAR event in North Carolina.

The only thing the Dems should fear catching at a NASCAR race is exhilaration and excitement! And probably hepatits.