Monday, October 29, 2007
Imagine a country overflowing with prosperity and peace, where children of all religions hold hands and sing songs about truth and freedom. Imagine a land free of polarity, bigotry and religious oppression and devoid of bowtie pasta, Canadians and bears. Welcome to the United States of Colbertica.
On Tuesday, Oct. 16, Stephen Colbert announced his official entry into the 2008 race for the presidency, making next year’s elections the easiest decision you’ve ever made. For the first time since I became old enough to vote, I feel like I’m being screwed. Stephen Colbert has, over the years, courted and romanced me, and with his abundant gifts of chocolate-covered truthiness, he has wooed me into his political bedroom.
He is the ideal candidate; a statuesque model of core Christian-American morals and the embodiment of the traditional upper-class American Dream. He denounces partisan politics by refusing to run under a Democratic or Republican ticket, instead choosing the foolproof route to run as both. He is the most honest and open of all the current frontrunners, and prides himself on his unwavering stance on all things American. Establishing a Colbert Nation is the only way to fix all of America’s problems.
We need a leader who tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth—even if it’s false. We need a leader with the conviction and courage to rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove; unmerciful to those who do harm to our great country and gentle to the faithful Colberticans who accept the truth without question or doubts based on silly facts. Mr. Colbert is smart enough to ignore these ever-changing proven truths, once saying, “I’m not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts.”
Enough of the so-called leaders who choose to base their decisions on these wishy-washy facts; we need a president that will follow in George W. Bush’s footsteps and make facts based on air-tight decisions. Some might argue that this new approach to democracy resembles an authoritarian dictatorship that condemns the very backbone of the Constitution. These doubters have no reason to worry because once Mr. Colbert is inaugurated, the old Constitution will be burned and replaced by the new Colbertstitution.
In order to control the population problem, anyone who disagrees with the new laws and statutes of the new Colbertstitution will be deported to northern Canada; they have enough empty space to accommodate all the felons and dissenters in the world. And the immigration issue? Colbertica has a solution: we will welcome all illegal immigrants on the condition that they spend at least two years helping to build the Great Wall of Colbert spanning the U.S.—Canadian border.
The budget deficit? Once Mr. Colbert is in office the budget deficit will be erased. That’s all you need to know, the rest is executive privilege.
Our new foreign policy? Non-existent. Mr. Colbert said it himself, “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
If you share these dreams of slightly-oppressive-but-true freedom, there is no other choice; vote Colbert 2008. In the words of the aforementioned genius himself, “I’m looking over your shoulder—but only because I’ve got your back.”
McLeod is an Overland Park senior in journalism and Middle Eastern Studies.
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