Hawktopics

By Chris Raine

Thursday, September 13, 2007

1. The U.S. Geological Survey reports that two-thirds of the world’s polar bear population could be gone by 2050 because of melting sea ice.

A decrease in polar bears will only mean an increase in baby seals, their natural prey. You know what that means – time to break out the clubs.

2. Celebrated tenor Luciano Pavarotti dies at the age of 71 after battling pancreatic cancer.

Despite strong discouragement from Pavarotti’s doctors, Matilda the obese nurse simply couldn’t resist attempting to soothe the ailing opera star with her singing.

3. Has-been pop superstar and unfortunate mother Britney Spears makes her musical comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas.

And what a performance it was. Ouch. Somehow, some way, Britney has made K-Fed look like the respectable one.

4. Senator Larry Craig reneges on his week-old promise to resign and plans to fight his guilty plea on charges of soliciting sex in an airport bathroom.

Senator Craig promised to further explain his change of mind, but most of the reporters left the press conference after the senator’s “bathroom break” lasted more than half an hour.

5. A White House spokersperson describes Osama bin Laden as “virtually impotent” after a new tape featuring the terrorist leader is released.

Funny, “virtually impotent” is how I felt after watching Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs.

 

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