Thursday, September 20, 2007
Dear Garrison Keeler,
I’m writing you with the wish to make a bad situation for you a great one for me. Out of mere curiosity, who’s going to take over “A Prairie Home Companion” when you retire? I know, I know, it’s a rather forward question, all apologies on my part, but honestly, who’s going to take over?
I’d like to offer you my services in taking over your program when you become either too old or to worn-out to continue on. Your vocal style has been noted to be that of a slow hypnotic dynamic and I fear with the onset of age it will only proceed to get slower and more hypnotic; the tempo change would probably limit you to telling one story per hour and could imminently lead to the deaths of many listeners from being overly hypnotizing; I can see the headlines now: ‘Man hypnotized dies while driving;’ ‘House wife in intensive care after zoning out while using electric hand-mixer;’ ‘Bunt cake ruined.’
I haven’t any radio experience, but already this semester, two professors have told me that I should get involved in radio, with one of them telling me that I have a “radio voice,” the kind of voice that I believe melts butter, similar to that of the machines in movie theatres. Suppose the theatre we’re recording in wants me to multi-task—well, I can melt butter, can you? I have musical background, having acted in a few musicals in high school, only one of which I sang in; but rest assured whenever “The Sound of Music” is on I sing along before the Nazis get NFL star Jim Brown (on second thought I may be thinking of “The Dirty Dozen”). I’m even enrolled in a fiction writing course this semester, and though my professor and my peers haven’t workshopped one of my pieces, I know what they’ll say already, “Ross, you should mail Garrison Keeler a letter and ask him to let you take over for him later on in life, you’re just that good.” Though I know I’m years away from being anywhere near the writer that you are, I think I could keep the bar high with my creativity and still keep it in a Midwestern scope. You see, you and I are not all that different, but I feel that we are different enough that I could continue onward in your tradition but improve upon the show for decades to come.
I even have a feel for bringing in talent for the program. Just the other day was I walking downtown with my roommate when we passed a person playing maracas without a rhythm for spare change. Many a passerby didn’t quite feel what she was putting down. I even chuckled at first until I listened to the rhythms she was not playing; the absence of measure and time allowed your imagination to run wild. Solo avant garde maracas would be stellar programming for “A Prairie Home Companion.”
I fear I may not be able to keep up with your sense of style, for I do not own a pair of red shoes. This can be changed; there are places that sell red shoes, places that I assume take Visa.
So I’m set. When do you think I can start? Is there an apprentice program? Oh and do I have to wear red shoes? I think it washes me out. I’m more of a green man. Hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Ross Stewart
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Stewart: An open letter to Garrison Keeler
Dear Ross: Your inability to spell your subject's name, "Keillor" undermines your credibility to the point that I simply stopped reading your open letter. You might have had a great column, but since your headline and lead show you to be an incalcuable dumbass, I'll never know that. P.S. Kick your copy editor in the head, cuz any idiotstick knows how to google Garrison Keillor.
Stewart: An open letter to Garrison Keeler
Dear Ross, I don't think you're an idiotstick, even if you can't spell. Your friend, Rachel
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