1. President Bush makes an embarrassing gaffe during a press conference, referring to South African leader Nelson Mandela as dead, when in fact Mandela is still alive

A more embarrassing moment occurred later when Bush couldn’t describe where South Africa was located.

2. Beleaguered celebrity Britney Spears is charged with misdemeanor counts of hit-and-run and driving without a license just days after being ordered to undergo random drug testing to retain custody of her children.

At this point, would a Britney Spears suicide be considered tragic?

3. Thousands of protestors march in the small town of Jena, Louisiana, in support of the Jena Six teenagers, whose attempted murder charges are allegedly racially motivated.

Even though it’s obvious they have their fans, I still say “Jena Six” is a crappy name for a boy band.

4. A student at the University of Florida is arrested and tasered during a Q & A session with Democratic Senator John Kerry.

Senator Kerry would later refer to the event as the most electrifying speech of his career.

5. Legendary mime Marcel Marceau, credited with reviving the ancient art over his 60 year career, dies at the age of 84.

It took several days for anybody to realize that Marceau was dead, as repeated questions about his well-being drew only his famous silence.

6. The Canadian dollar, valued at just 62 cents five years ago, reaches equal value with the rapidly declining American dollar.

How embarrassing. Well, at least now our healthcare will be cheaper than theirs…oh, right.

7. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gives a speech at Columbia University amid protests and harsh criticisms.

What made the protests less effective than hoped was the fact that it’s really hard to fit “Ahmadinejad” on a sign, much less spell it correctly or use it in a pun or a rhyme.

8. Former news anchor Dan Rather sues CBS for $70 million for making him a scapegoat in the forged documents scandal concerning Pres. Bush’s alleged National Guard service.

Rather stressed that he’d be willing to settle the lawsuit for a spot on the next season of Big Brother, or possibly even a supporting role on CSI: Miami.

9. Actor George Clooney suffers a broken rib in a motorcycle accident outside New York City.

Aw, did Clooney get a boo-boo? Consider that a down payment for the pain and suffering you inflicted with “Batman and Robin.”

10. The Forbes 400 richest Americans list is made up entirely of billionaires for the first time, with 82 American billionaires worth under $1.3 billion actually left off of the list.

In related news, “No-Shoes Johnson” topped the Forbes 400 Poorest Americans list, tying 399 other poor Americans with a net worth of zero dollars.